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Female, 27 years old
Southern US

  Offline - Last On: 11days 20 hours ago

1 Buddies
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29,195 Posts | Member Since: 3/15/2003
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Interests: Books / Video Games / Traveling / Photography / Drinking
Homepage: (None)
Birthday:2/22/1988 (27 Years Old)
IM Type: (Decline to State) IM Name: (Decline to State)
Occupation: (Decline to State)
Marital Status: (Decline to State)
Sexual Preference: (Decline to State)
Religion: (Decline to State)
Politics: (Decline to State)
Fav. Movie: you`ve probably never heard of it
Fav. TV Show: the one that plays in bars at 2pm
Fav. Book: you`ve probably never heard of it
Fav. Song: you`ve probably never heard of it
Fav. Food: you`ve probably never heard of it
Fav. Car: you`ve probably never heard of it
Theme 'The Cure' created by nobodyworth
Active Journal Entries | Archived Journal Entries

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I`m having anxiety issues - Mood:Good
Saturday August 11 20124:47:28 PM |
And I just want to be left alone.
Like alone. Computer is fine.

My dad said to me "this isn't normal you need to go see someone"
I can't have peace here I don't think it's that abnormal.

I'm just worried about Korea.
I leave next week.
What if I fail the medical test?
What if I'm pregnant?
What if I get my vaccines on Monday (reallly late I know) and they show a false positive on my bloodwork?

Then I have to come home ?

I know it's like 90% sure it will be fine.
But I can't stop freaking out.
And now I have to hang out with people and I don't want to. But I have to, I said I would. And my phone is dead.

I need to see people before I leave.
Just my stomach is all tense.

There are 7 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Gee, I can`t remember the last time something actually shocked me. - Mood:Good
Friday August 10 201212:29:51 PM |
I was browsing National Geographic (that'll do it sometimes) pictures, and I came across these GORGEOUS pictures of the Faroe Islands.

I was totally in love. So I googled it.
And you people who live in Europe or don't live in a cave know what I saw.

Oh it was horrible.
So so horrible I cried.

I'm usually pretty tough I think. I just wasn't expecting it.

It's still really beautiful and I think I'd like to go for a photographic adventure.

Also something I didn't know.
Lisa Ling is pretty cool, and I never would have thought so from channel 1 news in HS.
Undercover journalists.

There are 5 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I cannot believe I did that. - Mood:Good
Thursday August 09 201210:48:27 AM |
I freaking mailed something thru amazon and didn't check the address it was being mailed to.

And it went to my old address!

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today is my last day of being employed - Mood:Good
Wednesday August 08 201212:48:54 PM |
I kept having "peas for dinner" feeling this morning.
I went out with some coworkers after work and slept over her house. "Peas for dinner" is a feeling you get when you don't understand things and there's this clenching at your stomach. It is extremely hard to describe, the only person who I have been successful at explaining to (and who also gets that feeling on occasion) is my ex.

Anyway. My coworkers are so nice. cupcakes.
I don't get why they're sad I'm leaving. I do a lot of work, but I complain a lot. About the company and their f*cked up logic.


Cinnamon raisin toast with this for breakfast:

this is what the sky looked like the other day:

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Im kinda drunk again - Mood:Good
Monday August 06 201212:31:18 AM |
ugh f*ck livin in a small town

someone from the local bar was like are you Heather ____

I'm like, yeah.
He's like I"m _____
I'm like ???

my Alzheimer's memory.
I don't remember sh*t from HS

Um Ive had 5 and Im on my ass
i mean six
I haven't drank for a while

entertain me

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I stared to get all into clothes and shoes and stuff - Mood:Good
Sunday August 05 201211:52:37 AM |
I bought these:

these might be really ugly or really pretty:

I bought an aldo bag too! Because my grandma lookin bag is kinda wearing down.

Coats! I need a winter coat and pants now. And shirts.

I haven't like, gotten into clothing in a long time, now I feel like I want to be well dressed all of the time, and looking around at the clothes that I own, I don't know if it will be possible without some serious cash.

There are 25 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

do you have those days when you absolutely hate your body? - Mood:Good
Friday August 03 20121:38:33 PM |
Today is that day for me. Everything I put on I'm like "ugh"



So now, what?

Some days I really like myself, others I'm like :/

I feel like I need one of those inspirational books/journals about happiness etc.

There are 14 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

home - Mood:Good
Wednesday August 01 20121:02:46 AM |
Does anyone here like their home?

I just realized today, I've never actually liked to come home to well, home. it's okay, some of the places I've lived were really awesome (um, clawfoot tub?) but ...

I just think it might be mental. Like I get off work and I go home and I'm like "ugh, here I am again"

Maybe I need constant change?
Maybe the places I live don't have enough natural sunlight?
Maybe I need to live in a window house?


or is it already?
I wish I could draw you a mental picture of mine, but I fear I cannot.

I think there should be a software program for this.

There are 9 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Now coffee. - Mood:Good
Sunday July 29 20129:56:53 PM |
I want to write a novel in November, so I signed up. Ever hear of Nanowirmo? Basically you write a novel in a month. Only November 1-31st.

I figure it will help me with my writing. I have no idea what the plot is going to be though. I should start planning.

Oh man, I have to wake up so early tomorrow and move my stuff out of my old apartment. Which means renting a van, moving a mattress tiny dresser, desk, and table. Shouldn't be hard, right?

I'm nervous. I'm just going to drop off the rent money and the keys, and I'll never have to be back at that place again.

This Korea thing is getting real. And a little scary. And I of course met someone great. I'm sure it'll only get better.

Also i made vegan soup and bread. It was delicious. Yum. Now coffay.

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Remember when I said "i love you" well forget it, I take it back - Mood:Good
Wednesday July 25 201212:31:06 PM |
I was just a stupid kid back then.
I take back every word that I said

these lyrics are so elementary but I love them because of it

I'm drafting a love letter to my ex. It's not a love letter in the sense you'd think. More like a "loved" letter. I doubt I'll give it. I enjoy writing long drawn out letters to people and never sending them

Some of it is too dramatic:

"I know I will meet you again. If not as humans, at the end of time when all the universal matter condenses in a single point of infinite mass. "

and trying way too hard

"But I know that you will always be apart of me, you dug a whole in my body and shoved a part of you in-somewhere between the vessels of my blood and the tissue of my heart-perhaps my pericardium is your pericardium and not just anything can seep into my heart now; but everything must pass through the layer which you have implanted some nightlongago"

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I had a dream that disturbed me for the rest of the day - Mood:Good
Wednesday July 25 20121:28:16 AM |
I was at a mall with my ex. And apparently we had two children together. I didn't remember their birth even, I was dumbfounded at myself that I could forget the birth of my children, and their entire existence.

I hugged them, I felt so sorry that I had neglected them. They loved me. They were beautiful kids. One was maybe four or five the other 2?

My ex hid them from me, wouldn't answer my calls and I couldn't see my kids. But I was more angry at myself, more angry at my memory that some how something so important could completely slip by. I've never had this type of emotion before. but in this dream it was so very strong.

My ex hugged me from behind, and our children yelled in delight "mommy and daddy!"

end dream.

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yesssss - Mood:Good
Tuesday July 24 20121:00:26 AM |
I'm in a super good mood today!

My boss' boss totally loves me! My manager called off, and my manager told me to coordinate with the team to get these reports done. And I compiled them all and sent them to the appropriate place. I was sending emails out like "I know you all look forward to this!" (attachment with work)

It felt good to know my manager's boss is confident in me. It feels good. My review, I was the only one who got 'exceeds expectations'

I felt like the BOSS. My teammates were like "who do I go to when andrew is out?! Heather!" "she's the boss!" and joking around with me like that. I love them.

Also I started to talk to someone, he's really cute and so nice and texts me and aww. I'm leaving, but maybe we can be penpals or something.

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I should ask poorrusty this question - Mood:Good
Friday July 20 201212:06:57 PM |
On how to live on $100 for 2 weeks. And that must pay for gasoline, food, drinking.

I paid all my bills, and put a large chunk o change in savings for my trip.

I still owe back taxes and need to get vaccinations.

Maybe I should invest $5 in a flask and a bottle of banker's club vodka. There's my "bar" money.

I accept this challenge!

There are 26 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

why - Mood:Good
Sunday July 15 20129:48:11 PM |
two letters from the right person,
and everything is suddenly in disarray and my palms are sweaty and my heart is racing and I'm so confused and I can't eat or sleep or do anything but anxiously await a reply and hope one is coming.

So strange that I've been having these vivid dreams about my ex, and 4 months ago I was ignored. Now 'hi' via text and my world is upside down.

I'm sure it's a friendly "hi" like, I haven't talked to you for a while I'm super busy.
Or maybe he accidentally texted me.

I don't know, but I know the next few weeks these weird dreams will most likely continue.

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The Last 30 Days - Mood:Good
Sunday July 15 201212:55:23 PM |
Instead of a big bang bye bye bye bash, I'm aiming for a series of slow, and serious singular separation from each of my friends and family members.

In a way, I am treating it as if I have 30 days left of my life, to do all the meaningful things I can do it that short time here. I don't want to waste a minute being sad, despite waking up today in tears.

I hope it's the last time I cry for the past, and I want to learn to let go of my grandiose nostalgia and live in the moment.

So, here's to the last month of my life. My life as I know it now- - who knows who I'll come back as. I'll step aboard that 777 and cross over the top of the world where days are shortest and longest, and end up in a foreign world, where I can really do some soul searching.

Also, I'm seriously going to work on my alliterations.

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that awkward thing - Mood:Good
Saturday July 14 20125:43:19 PM |
when a person you met at a party once invites you to their birthday party via facebook.

Did I tell you,
that I went home the other day and my roommate had cleaned my room?
Everything around me is surreal.

Netflix movie time after a nap. recommendations?

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the patterned life - Mood:Good
Saturday July 14 20121:21:41 AM |
Everyone else is fine with it, I'm not.
I see myself doing it, I think our minds are wired to do it. The same things, over and over and over again in different places with different people, same problems.

I pretended I saw above it, I was the meandering one, everyone else- - cyclical. But in reality I just didn't realize my own fate.

It's almost like I just woke up. I finally see that everything around me is nothing more than a mere shadow. If you turn your perspective a bit, they all disappear.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even solid.

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I`m not the kinda fool who`s gonna sit and sing to you about stars - Mood:Good
Friday July 13 20126:24:02 PM |
I feel Luke I cried for a long time today, but I didn't. It's hard to catch my breath. Maybe I cried in my dreams. Such anxiety and there's not a good reason for it.

I don't feel happy right now. I slept with the guy from last summer again and he left three cigarettes for me this morning.

I feel like im emotionally cheating on myself.

Next time just leave cash.

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The definition of insanity is repeating the definition of insanity over and over again and expecting to sound intelligent - Mood:Good
Monday July 09 20126:45:12 PM |
Isn't anyone else tired of this cliche? Seriously I'm sitting in the car and my father is listening to talk radio and I'm like ong this is painful in so many levels.

I feel good cause I am moving out of that apartment and will have minimal contact with the psycho roommate.

I need to lose like ten pounds in the next month. Ive been working out but it doesn't seem like its doing anything.

Lyntess sent me a mug and tea and that was so sweet of her. I just wanted some stickers for my suitcase. Aw . Pics Later I'm on my phone

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like dying on your birthday - Mood:Good
Sunday July 08 201211:42:35 PM |
I get scared when things get too cyclical.

I have this uneasiness in my chest all the time.
Two years ago around this time, I came to my grandparents on a plane to visit. Afterwards I had sex for the first time with my ex

Last year this time I was getting prepared to drive cross country

Now I slept with some assh*le before coming to see my grandparents, planning to fly cross the world in a few. I'm leaving on my great grandmother's birthday. My grandparents lived in the far east for 11 years

I don't know, I think about myself a lot. I think about my life and patterns, and it freaks me out

And I feel like I dont belong anywhere. Korea, Pittsburgh, here (South Carolina), my town I grew up in

Aren't I too old for this?

And no one is texting me they love me.
Someone is texting me asking me if I cheated on my boyfriend with him
(the answer is no, I don't have a boyfriend)

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Do you ever have this weird feeling in your stomach? - Mood:Good
Wednesday July 04 20126:14:36 PM |
That you aren't sure what it is? It's a feeling, I get it sometimes, I've had it ever since I was little. It feels like something isn't right I guess. I don't know, it's not a good feeling.

I don't even know how to describe it. I feel like a child almost, like everything around me is happening and I can't control anything, like I don't belong.

I was at the pool today, and the feeling swept over me. I honestly don't know how to describe this feeling because I've never heard of the emotion that describes it.

And it's not even like I'm thinking about anything, it just overcomes me.

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stupid, but to entertain myself until I fall asleep... - Mood:Good
Tuesday July 03 20121:04:40 AM |
YT is a dinner party.

What are you wearing?

What are you eating?

How are you behaving?

Who do you want to talk to?

Oh you got seated next to someone you have a crush on. How do you act? What do you say?

Oops you got seated next to someone you either dislike or have no opinion on and everyone else is deep in conversation that doesn't look like you should interrupt, who is it, how to you act, what do you say?

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dr. strangelove - Mood:Good
Sunday July 01 201211:07:53 PM |
it was awesome!

my avy inspiration.

It was nice, I cooked dinner, beers on my porch, we went to the movie,
smoked le cigarette on the way home
kissed on the porch, goodnight

then i finished the movie drive
now I feel funny

I can't believe sunday slipped away so smoothly, as if it was never even here.

how is everyone?
how was your sunday?

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would you send me a sticker? - Mood:Good
Sunday July 01 201212:11:56 PM |
so I can decorate my suitcase? Pleeeease?

I have come to the sad realization today that my facebook friends are bad at being facebook friends.

my plan today:
1. workout
2. go grocery shopping
3. 2 assignments
4. cook curry and go see dr. strangelove
5. laundry

I guess I should get my ass moving.
what do you want to do today?

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I`m kinda drunk again - Mood:Good
Saturday June 30 201211:44:15 PM |
and the party doesn't stop because I'm going to continue drinking aloooone.
Because buzzes are meant to continue.

We started at like 4:30....don't wanna stop now.

Hung out with my friend and met her bff, and omg I love them. Smoking american spirits and drinking beer and talking about love and live
But the whole time I wanted to contact my ex and just with a text, like I still looooove you.
But I stopped myself, because that's not f*cking healthy. And I will eventually get over it.

Can we have a pleasant drunkeness conversation!?? pleaseee

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