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It`s not just passive entropy any more..... - Mood:Overwhelmed

Saturday January 18 20037:59:19 PM |

...it's the active and violent destruction of my already-dismantled mini-world. Mother: In the psych-ward of Harrington Memorial hospital, on enough chemicals to choke a camel, doesn't know who she is, let alone where her daughter is going. Brother: Should be in pysch ward, but is stronger mentally than mother. Actively hurting self-- examples being safety pins stuck through his skin and left for days, multiple deep burns from obsession with melting plastic onto his skin, et cetera. Father: In Worcestor somewhere. Haven't seen him for nearly 10 years when I finally got a restraining order against him. Stepfather: Trying hard, but doesn't have the working mental capacity of a baked potato. Self: Leaving for Purgatory (Pensacola Christian College) in 5 hours, not packed yet, bloody petrified of being called home for a funeral, and hoping my plane will be hijacked and flown into a building rather than back to college-- but ready to defend the fact that it's called a "

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The day has been far less than good... - Mood:Exhausted

Monday January 13 20039:01:35 PM |

Ahhh dear, where should I begin. I was relatively glad when my mother decided not to bring me along to the psych appointments she and my brother had this afternoon. Then my stepfather came home. And told me my mother had driven herself to the ER after the appointment. She had tried to kill herself with a pen last night. My brother was still with her... So one would think, yeah, that's bad enough. But on the way out of the ER to take bro home, I fell down the stairs, sprained my thumb, skinned my knee, and bruised my cheek badly on the WINDOW. Everyone in the waiting room was watching. *sigh*... what a day.

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Must I? - Mood:Depressed

Wednesday January 08 20038:19:26 AM |

Bah... "depressed" is such an over-used word... but that's the general mood I'm in. Not hair-tearingly upset, just a broad malaise. I shall have to take my brother to HIS psych appointment today, after taking my mother to hers two days ago. I'm beginning to feel a bit left out of the whole psychologist loop. But if I go to pieces nobody's going to pick them up. *chuckle* Probably going to take Bj (bro) to the movies after his appointment. This is one of the last chances we'll have together before I go back to college, which just about kills me. *sigh* Quote for the day: "If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day." That ought to keep me positive...

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Two Weeks... - Mood:Anxious

Sunday January 05 20033:36:55 PM |

...and then I can scream. Yesterday I spent attempting to console my mother to a point where I didn't think she was going to drive her wheelchair off a cliff. Her doctor futzed around with her meds again, taking her off the depression pill... NOT a good idea! However, today was... worse. As the time approaches for me to return to college I am more torn by panic. I don't want to go back to that... PLACE... but I cannot bear to stay here. Three and a half more years. That's all. Life? What's that? *sigh*

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Useful Excuses - Mood:Indifferent

Saturday January 04 20036:04:47 AM |

These may be of use to you (perhaps for all you Sims people too, ha!) as it seems yt'ers are constantly in the need for excuses. This never happened to me before. I had a really tough day at work. Not tonight, I have a meeting. I have to get up early. I'm too drunk. I'm not drunk enough. My turtle died. I'm gay. I'm straight. I can't decide. It's an old football injury. I forgot my wallet. I have to wash my hair. My Aunt Flo is visiting. I am leaving the country. I need to take my medication. I couldn't find a place to park. I couldn't get a cab. I left it in the cab. I have to catch a plane. I buy it for the articles. They're supposed to test them in the factory. Nobody's perfect. I warned you about me. We don't know each other well enough. We know each other too well for that. I didn't think you were coming back today. He/she needed a friend. It meant nothing to me. Someone told me it was an art film. We might learn some new things from it. I hav

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Steadily improving - Mood:Hopeful

Friday January 03 200310:46:47 AM |

The day began poorly enough, and included a cold, hasty shower during which I managed to cut myself badly shaving. I was planning on taking my brother to a psych appointment, but the weather turned out to be so bad we couldn't get out of the driveway-- so it wasn't worth the drive for him to see his do-nothing therapist anyways. Then, however, my grandmother emailed, said she'd deposited $100 into my checking account, and I'll be seeing her for lunch on Tuesday. My mother finally got taken off call-forwarding (she takes calls for a crisis-hotline several times a month) and I can be on the internet without feeling guilty-- oh! And I found chocolate. And the silly personallity test that I took deemed me a mentor-- but most importantly, only similar to 6% of the population. The day is steadily improving.

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Oh Dear God... - Mood:Embarrassed

Thursday January 02 20034:23:27 AM |

Well, I now have yet another very good reason why I shall never EVER try alcohol. After getting in a very silly mood due to a combination of lack of sleep, anxiousness, and excitement, I became more blatantly and disgustingly juevenile than I've ever seen myself become in black and white on a screen! Inane random flirtatious gabblings spouted all over the place, and reading what I wrote now I can't believe it was me! Good gracious... that is so incredibly degrading... Agh, forgive me YT for rambling like a ninny (even worse than usual). After going away for several minutes, taking some deep breaths and mentally rebooting, I cannot fathom how I wrote what I did. It's so utterly not-me that I know ever doing drugs or alcohol of any kind would inevitably end with me as a laughing-stock. Sheesh... I can't believe this!

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Thusfar... - Mood:Excited

Wednesday January 01 200310:22:59 PM |

...2003 has been juuuuust peachy. The slight inconvenience of my mother taking calls for the crisis-hotline yet again is made up for by the rapidity with which my last article was accepted. That made my whole day! I won't be online much for the next few days, due to the call-forwarding thing (crisis-hotline), but maybe I'll do something productive for a change instead of futzing around here. Instead of partying, or whatever a traditional soul does on New Year's eve/day, I actually slept for the first time in days, and it felt sooooo good. Slept right through midnight, yiiis indeed, and felt incredibly heinous and daring for doing so. Yep-- that's me, the Repose Avenger! Bwahahaha.

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Nothing uncommon - Mood:Spent

Monday December 30 200211:21:40 AM |

There should be a "miserable" option on the mood indicator. I have the most horrible cramps, I'm literally doubled-over. All I want, in the whole entire world, is a large hotwater bottle, a warm blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, and a sappy movie. Oh-- and about six hundred Midol. I'm making due with an over-heating laptop, a can of orange soda, and a hefty dose of youthink. Ugh...

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Oh dear... - Mood:Disgusted

Saturday December 28 20027:29:32 AM |

I couldn't get on for several minutes. Yep; it's official. I'm addicted. *sigh* Now to go submit an article. Fix for the day? YEP! *wrinkles nose* This is bleepin' pathetic.

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I am WOMAN!! - Mood:Mischievous

Saturday December 28 20024:15:06 AM |

I just drank three cups of instant coffee and ate a chocolate novelty cross that was leftover from EASTER. Why? Because, damn it, it was chocolate. And I am WOMAN. Caffeine-and-chocolate-hyped, I even changed my avatar to the only picture you'll ever see of me! Bwahahaha... Lord, let me hit and pass menopause soon. Reeeeally soon. *checks biological clock* Bah. Stuck at eighteen.

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My best Christmas presents - Mood:Happy

Thursday December 26 20027:59:49 AM |

Alright, perhaps this is an abysmally shallow entry, but I just had to have a bit of inane rejoicing. The two things I received this Christmas that I loved the most were: 12 full hours of sleep Getting an article accepted on youthink Yep! That was my Christmas from God-- or Santa-- or a combination thereof. Heh. And now I'm in such an uncharacteristically optimistic mood that I'm humming CHRISTMAS CAROLS!! I've wanted to strangle every caroler all season-- and now I'm humming carols. Hooo boy.

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Semi-Coherent Musings - Mood:Disgusted

Thursday December 26 20025:31:45 AM |

Sitting here in an early-morning daze, after sleeping for twelve full hours (count 'em-- twelve! Insomniac no more!) upon arriving home from a party with my relatives, I guiltily swallowed leftover apple pie and stale gummi-lifesavers as I logged back onto the internet. Disregarding the whole noxious, brain-frying substance thing, I've decided that booze must be pretty similar to an overdose of gummi-lifesavers. Especially when wasting time online. Think maybe I'll take a break and waste time elsewhere. *casual salute* Happy Boxing Day, to those who the celebration is applicable!

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Disregarding Evidence to the Contrary... - Mood:Overwhelmed

Tuesday December 24 200210:36:04 PM |

...it is officially Christmas. Even should every electrical appliance be silenced, I would be willing to bet I would still feel an onslaught of fierce and desperate carols-- you know the strained, tinny sound they get this close to giving us a welcome surcease? Yeah. It's Christmas-- it's Christmas, I keep telling myself. But until the snow that everybody else is getting arrives in Warren, MA, I'm not believing it. Hah! I'll show everyone-- bah! Humbug! It's not Christmas for me until I SAY it is! Bwahahaha... eek. And jingle bells.

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Something`s gone wrong... - Mood:Confused

Monday December 23 20023:22:19 AM |

Watching another sunrise sulkily slink in through the window as I blinked blearily at my computer screen, I wondered what went wrong. Why in the world am I not sleeping any more? I'd blame yt if I could, but I'm not online the whole time. So that doesn't work. I just want to get some sleep... Preferably drug-free. My neurons prefer to be un-chemical-embalmed.

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Did it hiccup, or was that just me? - Mood:Indifferent

Sunday December 22 20021:32:46 AM |

I deleted my cookies and everything... but it still didn't appear to want to jump-start. Was it just me? And are there six hundred and four more threads on this already, as usual?

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Respite - Mood:Cautious

Thursday December 19 20027:29:40 AM |

Mother's stirring above, so I should leave for a bit. I shall return in several hours when she goes to the hospital for another round of morphine and physical therapy. This has been a wonderful night, you --STOP!-- all have been great, I've missed you muchly for the last three months! I shall return-- don't have too much fun without me! (especially you, Mister Misplaced Midwesterner!)

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Debatable Cause for Jubilation - Mood:Suspicious

Thursday December 19 20026:36:04 AM |

Well, I've done it. Finally broke 900 posts. That's about one hundred since I've returned for Christmas break-- which is four days hence... which worries me. If there's anything that should've broken the yt habit, it's three months at Pensacola Christian Concentration Camp-- but I'm still at a pack-per-day level. Hmm... how many posts are in a packet, anyways?

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Requisite Desertion - Mood:Happy

Monday December 16 20026:13:44 AM |

Well, I must go-- my eyes can no longer tolerate being forced to decipher the screen. Gah-- I hate that I must leave, but it has been a happy return for me; I thank everyone for the welcome and tolerance! I shall return as presently as I am able, and I do hope to see a few more of my long-lost cohorts... *grin* I have missed this place terribly! Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. May the sun never set while you're still in the outhouse. Don't have too much fun; it's illegal (besides, it hurts sometimes.) And if you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. *poof*!

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Infamy is better than anyonymity, and notoriety than obscurity. - Mood:Good

Monday December 16 20023:29:12 AM |

On August the thirty-first, I found myself thrust into a society of signed-sealed-delivered, catalogued-carded-coded members of a college I had never visited, in a state I had never been to, in a climate I had never experienced-- even the time-zone was different, for cryin' out unprintably! I knew not a soul there, I had no money, I didn't know all the rules, and I was... to put it mildly, blinkin' petrified! What better way to handle all this than to make a name for myself? With unreserved enthusiasm, cloaked myself in the ever-faithful trait of eccentricity and began my college career. Never would I have guessed the implications of this technique! More people knew me by name there at college than did in my tiny town back home. I asked random people if they were wearing white socks-- proclaimed their ties to be far too well-coordinated-- hung fishing lures and blinking lights from my ears and asked "why not"... in short, got as far from "normal" as PCC had ever

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As if it wasn`t perplexing enough... - Mood:Disgusted

Thursday August 29 20021:39:09 AM |

Alright... this is beginning to grate on me QUITE a bit. Somebody scream the definition inarbitrarily of SPAM please!!! *sigh* I think I shall take my leave.

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Inimicallities directed towards unexpected facets of religion - Mood:Lonely

Wednesday August 28 200210:32:22 PM |

How many people out there love the song "Amazing Grace"? And how many of them also know/love Psalm 23 (The Shepherd Psalm)? Alright. I know six thousand people are going to find answers that should be unexpected, but I'm going to plough ahead anyways because I need to sputter. Most of the people I've talked to, be they practicing religious devotees or semi-belligerant, slightly confused, familially-oppressed anti-religion-lurkers, are more than familiar with those two odes. Forgive me, o ye disciples of such relics, but I hate them both! Overused, overused, overused! For the love of all things granola, Amazing Grace is the non-drugged-up version of Kum-bay-ya now, and Psalm 23 is just another Lord's Prayer. So often spoken or sung, the meaning behind the poetry of these pieces has been drained out of them until they are just dry, empty husks of flimsy, fluffy religious notion! Though I am indubitably a "religious" person, I fear I have committed the utmost herecy

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Wishing Upon a Star - Mood:Overwhelmed

Tuesday August 27 20029:41:48 PM |

I wish dearly that I could fix things. Not just machines, or relationships, or whatever people usually talk about fixing-- but things in general. Seems sometimes like I'm entropy incarnate. But... you know what? For twelve minutes today, everything was completely fixed and perfect. Yeah, it's corny... but I sang a baby to sleep in my arms, and there is no better thing in the world than feeling that trusting little life totally at ease, to hear that little precious sigh of contentment... *siiigh*

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Inadequacy coupled with a certain measure of pride... - Mood:Confused

Monday August 26 20023:41:10 PM |

Hmm... interesting. I just broke six hundred postings here on youthink. And, blast and bedamn it, I find myself confronted with conflicting emotions! On one hand, I am rather pleased that I have done over six hundred. That's pretty substantial for me, especially given the fact that I usually think about each subsequent post... Note the usually-- bless loopholes. On the other, the fact that I wasted six hundred posts worth of time on this thrice-cursed website makes me rather worried about the motive behind it all. On the other hand, I haven't been out shooting people in the meantime... so... But, on the other hand, six hundred is a comparitively piffling amount! And then I think, oh God, I'll never measure up! And I want to break down weeping... Save me from myself.

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Resounding ~Thud~ - Mood:Exhausted

Monday August 26 200210:51:38 AM |

With a nearly-audible heavy whump, exaustion and frustration hurtle back to taint my good mood. I can feel them now, twining with the tendrils of energy and hope; the smotherers reluctant even unto themselves, by definition and default. Why now, why now? I need a jump-start of sorts, I think. Blah.

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