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Female, 87 years old
., ., Western US

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45,825 Posts | Member Since: 12/21/2001
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i hate schooooool but it`s almost done. it`s almost done! - Mood:Good
Sunday June 01 20086:52:44 PM |
I have so much to do today/tomorrow/this week.

This is my "to do" list right now:

*Finish poetry portfolio (30 poems that need ordering/revising)
*Print portfiolio (another like 2 hours of my time because i have to do it at kinko's on special/expensive paper that I can't afford)
*Create covers
*bind it through Japanese stab binding, which I have NO CLUE how to do
(project due on friday)
*re-write a 5 page paper (due friday)
*write an 8 page paper (due friday)
*write a poem, due tomorrow
*clean my room
'*buy a tape recorder/tapes (i have my session with the psychic tomorrow)
*i have to work the radio show tonight, blah


I don't want to do any of this! I want to go and meditate in the woods and not have to worry about anything or anyone.
But I can do that next week, when I'm done.

I told myself I wasn't going to drink/smoke for a week, but after our portfolio presentations on friday our teacher is taking us out for boooze.


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Soul Ages? - Mood:Good
Friday May 30 200810:15:13 PM |
I've been told many times in my life that I'm an "old soul," but I always assumed that was a euphemism for being mature for my age. Yet, I've been researching this concept a lot lately, and apparently there are several "soul levels," ranging from infant to old.

I guess I should side note here that I'm not religious nor very spiritual. I can't say I do believe that I've lived past lives. Sometimes I feel like I do, but that could easily be some cognitive trickery.

Yet, I met some people last night, and we got into a long discussion regarding soul levels and the like, and we all were very in sync with each other...

I dunno. What are YT's perspectives?

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I`m so over being me. - Mood:Good
Thursday May 29 200810:05:04 PM |
ugh. I feel like I'm in f*cking highschool right now. I've had such a sh*tty past couple months, and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm going to be graduating college soon.....I thought I was going to meet the man of my dreams here. I thought I was going to make the bestest of friends here. I thought I was going to feel more like an adult.

Yay for society and implanting unrealistic expectations, I've found none of the above.

I don't even know who my friends are anymore. I kinda feel like I don't have any. I'm beginning to be more reclusive everyday, nothing seems welcoming anymore.

I'm afraid I'm becoming bi-polar. I have a schizophrenic brother and a bipolar mother, so I'm pretty sure I have some mental disorder just waiting ot let loose.

I haven't been really depressed for awhile though, since high school. And now...I dunno...I feel like I've lost all sense of who I am and part of me doesn't care.


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I am such a tree hugging hippie (pictures) - Mood:Good
Thursday May 29 20084:15:48 AM |
So, I took the trail home again today. Didn't come across any bums trying to take me home with them, though I did happen to stumble across homeless grounds...there were several makeshift shacks and clothes strewn about.

Though, while I was hanging out at the koi pond with only one koi fish

(view from pond)

and older couple came up to me and rolled a joint to smoke, and talked about how the town was in the 60's. It was rather random, but they were kind and had a lot of positive insight in regards to our chi.

This is part of the path I walked, when it cleared up a bit:

a really cool mushroom I found:

and a beautiful flower:

I was also lucky en

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cut up my face, cause it`s too plain - Mood:Good
Tuesday May 27 20084:29:55 AM |
I'm falling back into myself.

I'm super eccentric, partially intentionally, partially not. I can't stand everydayness. It drives me up walls. I need something new.

But I'm also very...outcasted. I mean, I have a lot of friends and a lot of people like me...

but I can't find anyone like me. If that makes sense. And when I do they don't last long...they become relationships and the like.

I want to be like everyone else. I want to fit in. I want to be part of the bigger puzzle.

I feel like I'm going to be one of those people that is constantly looking for community, but never finding it. A vagabond, in a way.

Oh well.

Just a bit of nonsensical self-reflection.

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I inadvertently inhaled a lot of cleaner sh*t. (pictures of my campus) - Mood:Good
Monday May 26 20088:22:32 PM |
so, I'm at work, and I spilled hella hot cocoa on the keyboard. Yikes! So I freaked out and began cleaning it with everything I could find...and now I have a headache.

I am also now very distracted from doing my homework...I was doing so well since the spillage.

Anyways, pictures. My school campus is basically in the middle of the redwoods, so last wednesday or so I decided to walk home from campus. Granted, it took me about 3 hours, but it was definitely worth it.

Rock circle I stumbled across. Behind me there was a huge rock wall with water trickling down. GORGEOUS.

clovers be cloving

the path i followed home

There are several variations of the path though- and there was a koi pond amongst other little magical, mystical things.

I love walks.

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I just remembered that I have a 2500 dollar scholarship... - Mood:Good
Saturday May 24 200810:38:05 PM |
waiting for me

Well, technically it's 2,445 dollars.

Apparently when I was a freshman and sophomore in high school, if you scored within the top 5% in the state on those STAR exams that year, they gave you $1000 to use on an advanced education.

I just received a message from them saying, with interest, it has grown to 2445. How badass is that?

Which I completely forgot about until recently, RIGHT before I start my last quarter in college.

That's awesome though! That's a whole quarter I don't have to pay for! Well, at least i believe this covers most of it.

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apparently there is this fatty surf competition going on in my town - Mood:Good
Friday May 23 200810:42:12 PM |
I didn't even know! But hella surfers are coming in to my work.

Right now, this super hot surfer dude from Ventura just came in and booked a room. I was like OMG miso horny!!!!

Not really. But I usually am attracted to a lot of people from the ventura area. Californians will know what I'm talking about. They still have that LA in them to make them a little bit superficially attractive, but they all tend to have really down to earth and chill attitudes.

I was really attracted to him UNTIL he started asking me about where the strip clubs are at. I was ilke umm.. .. you just made yourself dirty and gross!!

Speaking of strip clubs, I had a memory this morning of when I stayed with my family in the philippines a couple years ago.

My brother, his wife to be and I went to a strip club. In the philippines.

I've been to a strip club in teh philippines! WTF!?!? weird.

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I really need to stop facebook stalking. - Mood:Good
Thursday May 22 20088:50:50 PM |
It usually ends up making me feel belittled or depressed or something along those lines. Negative connotative-type words.

Anyways, so I went to this guy's page; a guy I used to date. Turns out he added some livejournal application, so I went to his livejournal (i know, I said I'm a stalker) and read abouts when we were dating...and I found a poem about me.

It's really nice and actually kinda beautiful, but I think he's also saying unkind things about me in it..but not in an unkind way. I can't really explain it, and I wouldn't post what he wrote for his privacy i guess.

I don't know how I feel about it. When he wrote it, we were at the end of us, and it's nice to see that there was some intimacy from his part at that point...even though he never conveyed it to me. Oh well.

I'm really bored at work. What are you guys doing? Tell me a joke or something. Explain to me why my feet smell like yeast.

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I cannot wait for the Apocalypse. - Mood:Good
Wednesday May 21 20083:02:07 AM |
I'm pretty sure I am going to be one of those destined for eternal earthly damnation.

Also, most of my friends will probably be left behind as well. It would end up being one big fiesta, filled with drugs, sex, overall amazing time.

Listening to Tool makes me think about sh*t like this randomly, when I'm driving around town smoking cigarettes.

Today, there would have been no other way I would have preferred to spend my spare time.

The rest of the time was spent at school, or chillin with my friend sarah.


crazy lady story:

The other day I left my notebook (which is filled with very, very personal poetry and even more personal sketches), at the bus station. Of all the people in the world to pick it up, it ends up being this older, practically homeless woman who lives in a green trailer deep into the woods.

I include my phone number and contact information in the book, in case of situations like this.

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i got my tattoo redid - Mood:Good
Sunday May 18 20088:59:49 PM |
I had some sort of an emotional breakdown last week, and I needed to go do something that reminded me that I love myself and that reminded me that I was still a living, breathing, walking organism.

So I got it done.

I like it, I will probably have to get it done again and again throughout my life...i got it first done about 2 years ago, and by before last week it looked like N circle F. HA. Nobody got it.

aww the image thing isn't working. well here is a link

anywho, I'm at work and there are amillionbajillion kids trying to get a room! Good thing we have a 21 y/o policy.

It was just senior ball or something so we have a bunch of kids coming to our town for senior cut day...because our town is all about tourism.

I'm signing up for my next quarters classes.

I think I'm going to take:

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if i hear this song one more time i`m going to shank someone - Mood:Good
Saturday May 17 20089:06:55 PM |
While I understand why this song got pretty popular 2 or 3 years ago....I DON'T understand why it is still continually played on the radio!

I hear it EVERYDAY at work! I'm over it! Take it off your playlist, please!!

The song I am speaking of is "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's.

I think it's because they play that talk host Delilah at night on Sundays or now, that song should die. It isn't amazing, it isn't a classic, this song does not deserve to live as long as it has when so many amazing songs go unheard,


There is a HUGE heatwave right here right now, and I'm totally digging it! Apparently it's even getting up to 90 in SF, and 104 in my hometown. I think here it's been getting mid eighties...and it's still hot!!

Yesterday I biked around for a bit and went to the beach and got my feet and dress wet. I loved it. Today I biked along the cliff that overlooks the ocean, saw all the hot surfer boys...

amazing as well.

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my most recent poem...go figure i post it at 4 AM here - Mood:Good
Thursday May 15 20086:53:07 AM |
title: Open-toed binary

Trail walking, toes point to
umbilical chords connecting
the celestial to the terrestrial
and the stumps are the lost boys,
now sucking at their mother’s teat.

There are just as many stumps
as there are living, breathing, thriving trees-
some growing sideways off the mountain,
wrapping around wooden fences hinged with barbed wire,
decorated with spider webs, which the ants
use as tightropes while they carry
another fallen soldier home.

I lay my flesh upon a sideways tree
with a bike embedded in it’s chest.
I am amazed
at the trees ability
to continue to grow as is,
where it’s been birthed,
overcoming all obstacles
and though gnarled, pitted and split
remaining simply beautiful.

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I hope you guys are having amazing dinners right now!!!!!!! - Mood:Good
Sunday May 11 200812:33:26 AM |
because I just took the biggest, most distubring sh*t of my life.

I was holding it for over 2 hours, from the beginning of dinner to oakland to my house. pretty far.

i didn't think it would be that bad, but i thought i was going to explode on the ride home. when i finally got to *my* toilet, the thing just fell out of me.

literally. it was weird. and it was so messy I had to shower to clean it all off.

i thought it ripped my bum opening, but I'm on my period.

enjoy those meals

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Irony for reasons unbetold - Mood:Good
Friday May 09 20083:51:12 AM |
I heard a hundred birds' songs outside my bedroom window. It woke me up and I looked at you. Your eyelashes caught the dust floating through the morning sunshine that fingered through the crack in the blinds. I fingered the top of your left chest, just above the little brown bump that creased the top of your left nipple. The tip of my pinkie outlined the shape of a heart, careful not to burst the love bubbles you told me you held for me under your skin.

I woke up to a hundred birds' songs looking for you; looking for the trace of your shape in my sheets and on my pillow, when I realized that there were no trees outside my window an it had all been nothing but a dream.

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I`m very to make myself feel better I`m listening to Yann Tiersen - Mood:Good
Wednesday May 07 20088:20:47 PM |
..while eating a lot of crushed garlic, drinking my body weight in kambucha and that emergen-c sh*t, as well as eating nothing but chicken noodle soup and chocolate ice cream (for the sore throat bit).

Blah. I have 3 friends that are diagnosed with mono right now.
Not so good.

I hope I just have a really bad cold/the flu rather than mono.

I canNOT afford mono right now. i'm taking my senior seminar class!!!!!!!!!!!

oh well.

What else can I do to feel better?

oh yeah,and I'm also drinking a lot of water and spending the majority of my day/night in bed..

and listening to yann tiersen . He makes me feel good inside. at least.

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Longing - Mood:Good
Monday May 05 20086:58:04 AM |
(I finally got this sh*t done!)

It's supposed to be read over/in response to the first 45 seconds of John Frusciante's song, untitled #2,found here

and esthetically, the first four stanzas are supposed to be on the far left of the page, and next to it are the last four stanzas on the far right of the page. The second half is the front half, backwards.

back into
turning slowly.
ripping. Stripping
presents in past lives.

the footsteps
from front doors
to back doors.
gripping, slipping.
Everyone survives.

after worms,
found gardens
covered with
green broken glass.
Shining, confining
me, like heartless wives.

The ocean,
the waves.
his next to mine.
Defining, declining
openly deprived.

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I am having such a weird day so far & I need to write an essay - Mood:Good
Sunday May 04 20089:33:16 PM |
I swear my days are getting weirder and weirder. Sometimes I don't think I can handle the absurdity of it...lately it's been hard for me to keep a straight face when it comes to life. It really is getting very bizarre.

The day started rather normal, I woke up a little late-- had some interesting dreams about missing the bus and not being able to get anywhere because I didn't have a bike.

Slowly got ready and came to work. Once at work, I checked in a couple crackheads to a hotel room. Missing teeth, can't understand a word they say, the whole sha-bang.

Then, crackhead lady comes and asks for 4 shampoos because "she has a lot of hair." She didn't have a lot of hair, but I gave it to her because it's cheap ass hotel shampoo and I don't really care.

Then my bosses come back, and crackhead needs help opening the door because he forgot what room he was in. So my boss goes to take care of that, and in the process she goes and has some words with some people being loud in

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Lucid Dreaming - Mood:Good
Sunday May 04 20085:01:00 AM |
I've been trying to induce lucid dreaming for the past few weeks, months, years or so.

Awhile ago I did the dream diary thing, to no avail.

Recently I smoked some mugwort, but didn't fall asleep in time to feel the effects.

Tonight I took about 6mg of melatonin, it's supposed to help induce at least if not lucid dreams.

for those lucid dreams enthusiasts on YT, what do you do?

I really want to just be able to do whatever the hell I want. I don't even know where i'd begin...

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I`m falling in love with Bob Flanagan - Mood:Good
Saturday May 03 20089:26:07 PM |

I'm hella bored at work. There are absolutely no vacancies, and everybody has been checked in. Which means I've been sitting on my ass reading. I'm going in between THe Outlaw Bible of American Poetry and Nine Stories by JD Salinger.

Both are beautiful, and are fulfilling me in ways I can imagine.

Before work I was at a mexican fiesta for cinco de mayo, but everyone works/schools on monday so we're doing it a few days early. Too bad I had to leave, but I had some excellent chicken tacos.

For everyone that doesn't live in California, when you visit california...or better yet visit mexico..and get some REAL mexican food. I had some "mexican" in colorado and I thought I was at baja fresh. Wtf.

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is this wrong? should I go talk about it? - Mood:Good
Saturday May 03 20084:45:35 AM |
I don't know how to handle awkward situations very well, being as I, myself, am the epitome of awkward.

I always just make things worse

Anyways, so this guy who I had slept with about a month ago is back, and chilling next door with my neighbors. I think he thought he was going to sleep with me again, but word trickled to me that he said I was "disturbed and a broken soul."

Granted, I have no attachment to him, but those are pretty harsh things to say about someone. I could confront him about it, btu I won't, because I don't have the balls to do so.

Anyways, so I left to take one of my friends home (he was on acid...that was interesting as well) and I just never went back there, though I know they all expected me to.

I came home instead.

Yet, my neighbors and I share a wall.

'Is it f*cked up that I totally bounced? I think he thought he was going to sleep with me again, and I'm positive he doesn't even know anything is wrong.

I'm torn. I think I'm gonna l

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What feeling do you get from this song????????!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??? - Mood:Good
Friday May 02 20084:23:18 AM |
That's right. Look at my amazing ability to shift and press buttons.

Anyways, so I have to write a poem for a class that is trans-genre, so I'm thinking about writing in response to this song, over the song, represented in technicolor.

I have an idea to what emotion I think this song conveys, and I just want to see what feeling you guys received from it. Get some outsider bias, because I could just be associating this song with that feeling because that is what I feel momentarily.


the feeling I chose I reveal later. It's one that can be defined, but difficult to explain. Which means I'm gonna have a b*tch of a time writing this piece.

I smoked some more mugwort tonight. I still really want to lucid dream, but I don't think it will happen because I want it to. It might be one of those things that occurs becacuse it has to (ie introspection).

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Some as*hole stole my bike. - Mood:Good
Thursday May 01 200812:08:29 AM |
Somebody came up our stairwell, onto our balcony, and stole my f*cking bike.

Which means I'll have to leave at least half an hour early to get anywhere I need to go.

F*ck dammit. I can probably get a cheap one speed bike, but it's so hilly around here...I don't wanna kill myself!!

UGH I'm very irritated.

I need my bike. I use it a lot. I don't know why people think they can just take other people's stuff.

I hope he gets good crack out of it or something. I know this person wouldn't steal my bike to feed thair family.


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Mugwort - Mood:Good
Wednesday April 30 20083:42:44 AM |
So, I've often expressed my inability, though intensely strong desire to lucid dream when in the presence of my friends and acquaintances. I find it to be a good ice breaker, topic of conversation, and a good way to move into the movie "Waking Life" and ultimately philosophical discourse generally revolving around the meaning of life.

Anyways, so today I was discussing with a group of friends Melatonin and the dream response, when one of my friends informed me about Mugwort, and happened to have some onhand. So...about an hour ago, I smoked a 1/3 a bowl of bud and 2/3's a bowl of Mugwort.

I hope I lucid dream, and I hope it's good. I need a good dream, my psyche is all out of whack.

Offhand note:

that's an interesting article. I mean, f*cking duh we have an overwhelmingly racist police force, but it's an interesting read none-the-less.

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A Story of Insignificant Events - Mood:Good
Monday April 28 20083:18:28 AM |
I Stared out the window anticipating my next move. The sliding window cover was gray and brought me back to a time when I was younger, and y grandmother's thick ashy curls would sweep across my face as she held me in love's embrace.

"Don't be afraid my dear, fear is only confusion in disguise..."

Her voiced trailed off and my memory fell out of focus like a lost photograph as the ever-pressing DING-ING informed me that it was time again to put on my seat belt.

Nobody else moved as I struggled to clasp the metal beast around my waist. I looked around and had noticed that my little over-head light was the last one left flickering; everyone else had welcomed the Sandman into their personal space.

I reached my hand out to life the flap when an unwelcomed shadow startled me back into position.


The stewardess, with her neatly pressed uniform and bright, red, plastic smile, stood next to me motionless; a modern day David-ette.

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