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Female, 29 years old
ny, Eastern US

  Offline - Last On: 18hrs ago

18 Buddies
27 Subscribers
23,946 Profile Views
47,748 Posts | Member Since: 7/25/2002
Link to this profile:

i won`t have to anymore jon groff

Interests: Dogs / Dancing / Games / Poetry / Singing
Homepage: (None)
Birthday:10/11/1985 (29 Years Old)
IM Type: MSN IM Name:
Occupation: Dancer
Marital Status: Dating
Sexual Preference: (Decline to State)
Religion: Buddhist
Politics: (Decline to State)
Fav. Movie: good will hunting, you`ve got mail, dead poets
Fav. TV Show: House, macgyver, poker
Fav. Book: Without You by Anthony Rapp
Fav. Song: i like broadway :-) and singer/songwriters
Fav. Food: free. i like free food. i`m health nut though
Fav. Car: bah. walkings where its at
Theme 'evanescence2' created by NicolesLove
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Theres not enough sex and spice in my sister`s eyes. - Mood:Good
Wednesday September 18 20136:48:05 PM |
My sister got pin up pictures done for some.. company or.. such. Someone hired her, basically, to have them done to be a model for their whatnot.

She posted one on FB. She looks awesome. Something missing from here expression though. Not enough sex kitten or sparkle or something.

Anywho, I scrolled down my feed and saw it and thought nothing of it. When i passed it again and saw the comments i was like, holy sh*t, thats my sister.

I'd post, but she wouldn't approve

It is exhausting being crazy YT. Exhausting.

Also, I told my counselor I wished i had the courage to kill myself and didn't get locked away Either he dropped the ball or doesn't find me a threat to myself.
Though i always get confused about what being a threat to myself entails, since I am wicked self destructive, mostly physically.

There are 69 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I am out of shows to watch *flails* This can`t be - Mood:Good
Tuesday September 17 201310:53:03 PM |
I am caught up on all summer shows, and they've all ended. My fall shows haven't started yet (that i am aware of). I can't figure out what to watch. i tend to go into OMG OMG OMG running around the house in a panic when I don't have anything to put on as background/ occupy my mind.

I'm good with movies too.
But can't think of what to watch.

I want food. But do not want to assemble said food. And really want nachos now. (thanks griff )

I'm freezing Its the unfortunate time of year thats its freaking chilly outside, but not chilly enough for the heat to be turned on. Thus, I am freeing my ass off. Toes really, at the moment.

F*ck that. When I move somewhere that i can actually control the heat that sh*ts going on once it hits 50-55 at night.

I am wicked temperature sensitive. I am comfy at 72. Can feel it at 70. Anything below 70 and I'm a bit cold. Its 64/65 in my apt.

There are 50 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

A happy journal. - Mood:Good
Monday September 16 201311:27:45 PM |
i figured I'm due for one.

Lets see
happy things


I want Rufus
This is Rufus

Though i have no donuts so thats not happy. But donuts in general is happy.

I want a snack.
Any suggestions?

I can't decide if i should make chicken cuz i'm hungry, or go for something lighter cuz its late.

Hi yall.
Must less crazy today.
So thats nice.

I've run out of shows to watch

Whats new?

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Sunday is gloomy - Mood:Good
Sunday September 15 20139:30:52 PM |
I'm not overly gloomy but still slightly crazy so i thought I've give proper title warning.

You know whats fun? Having a 'i have sucidial ideation thoughts' conversation with your bf.
I scared the ever lovin bejesus out of him.
I will never find a guy who will stay and i won't blame them.

I have chicken which is is nice.

I have alcohol which is nicer.
Not very strong though which is unpleasant.

Thought I'd say hey.


There are 47 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Jesus I hate doing this. YT is not known for its kindness. - Mood:Good
Saturday September 14 201312:13:35 AM |
Its rather like throwing a wounded gazelle in a pack of hungry lions.

But I am f*cking desperate.

I am losing my f*cking mind.
I, like an idiot, went off my meds. I don't know why.
And now it feels like the longest night ever.
My goal is to make it morning, still alive, not in jail, not in a psych ward, not bleeding.
Morning is so, so far away.

I am typing from my closet. Why? I don't know. It feels a smidgette better than my couch and I am hungrily looking for smidgettes to grasp onto.

Why am I telling you this YT? What can you do?
I don't f*cking know.
Its keeping my fingers and mind busy for 5 minutes.

It is taking a ridiculous amount of will power to not take razors to my shaking wrists. Thats just.. not normal.
I do hope thats a cold turkey med side effect and doesn't stick around.
Its a bit new for me. Arms, not new. Wrists? Yes.

There are 106 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Anyone out there? - Mood:Good
Friday September 13 20133:10:10 PM |
I'm stepping off the deep end a little.

Anyone wanna chat? About anything?
Name a topic.
I don't care.

Just keep me out of my head for about 45 minutes to an hour.

My faerie faded, on my leg. I liked her. Rose is still there.

There are 19 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Butterflies Are Free is a great movie. - Mood:Good
Thursday September 12 20137:33:09 PM |
That is all.


And Hi.

I have a rose on my arm.

Thats all.

There are 3 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I feel like I`m losing my mind YT. - Mood:Good
Wednesday September 11 20136:18:55 PM |
Its unpleasant

It doesn't help that my counselor is a f*ckwit.
F*cking depressive stupors and lack of appetite and not being able to focus

But instead of a rambly crazy journal, I shall think of happy things. Or.. just things.

Like my birthday. I'm all kinds of excited.

I am doing a project on Bipolar disorder and as a (odd, zig zagged) result, am reading Russell Brand's book, My Booky Wook. Its quite interesting. To me anyway.
I also picked up Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking and Patty Duke's book, that i can't recall the name of. I need 4 sources, one of which being an autobiography.
Russel's book won't do, its not really bipolar-y, but I've been meaning to read it anyway.

Anyone on here Bipolar that I can interview?

Also watching Stephen Fry's documentary (again).

Eating fruit.

My hands are shaking.

Whether its anxiety or cold, you got me.

There are 17 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I am faced with the glorious task of buying myelf a bithday present - Mood:Good
Monday September 09 201310:16:30 PM |

So. I have like $50 to spend on for whatever I want, to be shipped to my Gram to wrap and give to me for my birthday


Shopping makes me happy if you couldn't tell.

What do I want???

I have specifics of what this needs to be.
It can't be anything i "need", or has to be awesomed in some way if it is (example, last years Tardis lamp. I needed a lamp. The tardis-ness of it made it present-y).
It has to be one or two things. Gram tends not to like when i hit up clearance racks and get like 20 things for $50.


What do I want YT??

There are 36 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I am sh*t at driving. - Mood:Good
Saturday September 07 201310:26:17 PM |
Which makes sense, since i haven't really made it out of parking lots yet.
But still. The way i'm going MAYBE i'll have my license by the time i'm 40.
Theres just so much sh*t to remember, all at once. Ugh. I wish I could bike everywhere.

I've not much to say YT.

Just wanna say hey and chat.

My birthday is coming up, ish.

I have a donut.

Classes suck.

I have a new towel rack.

Beach trip got rained out.

Tomatoes are coming long nicely, but will most likely freeze before they are full grown.

I google earthed my grandpaents house and theres my grandpa, standing in the middle of the driveway, sureying the yard in a straw hat. Ahh.

Thats 90% of the reason I want to be able to drive, to drop in on my grandparents.

It feels like sunday.

I bought a bunch of kid boys XL sweatshirts on vacation for 6$ each. I cut the neck line wide and its rather awesome. Super warm. Fits perfect

There are 26 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Either I type freakish loud or I am paranoid - Mood:Good
Wednesday September 04 20137:06:20 PM |
Seriously. I am in a room of computer, theres 3 of us. I am typing and ITS SO LOUD. Either they aren't typing or they are stealth typers.

Its Wednesday.

I scanned something for the first time (with librarian assistance) go me.

I walked in my classroom 5 minutes early, then halfway through the class my professor said, as she was asking if everyone signed in (i had forgotten) "Oh NL, i marked you here. I had started to mark you absent but then you walked in and I couldn't, tis a shame." In complete disappointed seriousness.

What... what is that??

That women is psychotic.

I can only pay attention to lectures if i doodle. If i don't I am off in lala land. If i doodle, i catch every word said. However, this looks very bad, especially to evil professor. What can I do

There is a giant sad moth in the hall. I want to save it, but i'd have to find a way to carry it out.

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O thou that tellest good tidings to Zion - Mood:Good
Sunday September 01 20137:19:19 PM |
I joined the chorus. Its a bit.. god-y/ Jesus-y for my taste. I do wish they had an nonreligious singing group on campus. Some old standards would be nice.
If for the soul reason of I'd know what the hell I'm saying. His yoke is easy his burthen is light. What? At least its not tongue twistery. Unlike my old pal Zion. I have enough trouble singing itself. I don't need to add foreign words to it thanks.

I want dessert. I have no dessert. Sad.

Boys are so unsubtle. I'm in my bfs room. He has a bottle of lotion sitting on the ground next to his computer chair. Hes crazy OCD neat so it stands out.

We take turns picking movies. So far I haven't liked any of his and hes only semi liked one of mine. Last night was Nell (my choice of course). He hates it One of my fav movies.
His next is Terminator 2. Oh.. yay Ah well, i like our system.


Pics possible.

There are 17 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I`m FREAKING OUT yt. - Mood:Good
Friday August 30 20132:15:31 AM |
Well, somewhat. Well, yes, a little, yes.

I keep getting bites on me. Last week on my ass, two together, and one in the ceasey bit to the back of my legs.

And now on my bikini line, a really close triangle.

I googled bites in clusters and it kept giving me bed bugs But I scoured my bed, didn't find anything, and googled pics of bed bug bites and they don't look exactly the same. I'm still all worried though

Something keeps eating meeeeeeee.

I'd post pics but.. ass and bikini line

I might sleep on my couch.
I spent a lot of time on my couch.
and and its my only day off.
And my couch is tiny.
But i'm gonna be all paranoid.

Someone come guard my body as i sleep.

There are 36 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Remember how every Monday last semester I was killing time in the library? - Mood:Good
Wednesday August 28 20136:03:37 PM |
Well, same again this semester. Only its Thursdays, from 5-9pm.

So far I have played facebook games and read. And eaten a sandwich. After YT i shall actually do work.

One of my professors is so f*cking EVIL. Like, subtle f*ck with your mind evil. She takes it extremely personally if anyone looks away from her lecture for one second. Monday, first class, she called me out in front of the class. She insists on being all the TR majors advisor even though others are fine at it as well. Well. I don't like her so shes not my advisor.
Her: "Am i your advisor NL?"
Me: "Nope, mr. smith is."
Her: "Well.. its fine if you want to stay with him but you should switch to me since he doesn't know certification guidelines and requirements. So if you stay with him you will have to do all that yourself. Or you could just switch to me."
Yeah. First of all, bullsh*t. And second, oh hellll no.


There are 10 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I thought of plg and bsr on vacation. - Mood:Good
Saturday August 17 20135:59:38 PM |
Both at garage sales.
There was a Giants football at one.

and the picture I am about to post in a sec at another.

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Oh How I Wish People Would Stop Using Rape To Describe Things That Are Not Rape - Mood:Good
Monday August 05 201311:58:02 PM |
"Omg, my verizon bill is raping my wallet" "yeah, I get raped here in Canada too."

Bothers me.

I am going to plant my tomatoes/ flowers outside of my apartment window. I got semi permission from the apt office, that I can plant "at my own risk", in the back. My apt window is in front. But there are like 4 foot tall black eyed susans in front of them, so you won't even be able to see my tomatoes. Plus who the f*ck cares. They are tomatoes and flowers, not ugly eye sores.

Someone complained about the smoke in the hallways/ wafting into apts. Wooo. I hate to be the bitcher all the time.

Someone keeps leaving a tube in the back security door though, 24/7. My bf took it out and threw it in the woods. If something magically comes back in the door I might say something. I don't want to forfeit my security so your ass can smoke more conveniently and not have to turn a key to get back in.

There are 80 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

oh yt - Mood:Good
Saturday August 03 20135:17:11 PM |
I was wrong. The size around my wrist is not the same as my bfs penis. His is bigger. I can wrap my fingers around my wrist and overlap the nail bed just about completely. Around his penis? I can barely touch one nail with the other.

We went flea marketing. I got 7 books, two picture frames, a vase for 3$.

My stomach hurts.

I bought lemon tarts. They don't taste like anything.

Everyone over here is stressed. Its bad chi.

I have a ton of pictures I might upload. Just cuz. Dancing pics. Random stuff. Hm. Yeah.

There are 18 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Any bug/ insect experts out there? - Mood:Good
Thursday August 01 20139:52:27 PM |
Wtf is this?

Hes tiny, but i'm used to gnats so he was huge to me. He has the coloring of an itty bitty bee. But not quite.

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Do you close the door to the bathroom when you are in the house/ apt/ dwelling alone? - Mood:Good
Thursday August 01 20131:00:37 AM |
It never really occurred to me as being odd until my boyfriend said it was weird and that of course he always shuts the door.

I never do. Why? Theres no one else here. Once someone comes over, then yes shut. But if its just me? My bathroom door is open during business 90% of the time that means.

Then I was at his apt, by myself, all day when he was at work. It was either open or half open. I don't see the point in closing it for a quick wee!

Also, I have learned that my bfs penis is the same size round as my wrist.

I have been given the task by my mom to make a tin dog shaped bird feeder by tomorrow out of soup cans and such. This will not happen.
By tomorrow anyway.
Apparently the 10th year anniversary gift is tin.

She has no interest in it if its after tomorrow, their anni-day, but I have been given a challenge, and if only for myself I will complete it.
And post pictures.

There are 18 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Stargate, maintenance guys, yippy dogs, marriage, walmart, uteruses, french toast. - Mood:Good
Tuesday July 30 20131:41:08 PM |
There have been maintenance guys in and out of my apt fiddling with my buzzer for close to 3 hours now.

One of them reeks of smoke. Which my allergies do not like.

I need to leave in about 15 minutes. I wish I had a back door.

The neighbors dog keeps yippy barking every time the buzzer rings. Which, since they are fixing it is about once ever 20 seconds.

I ran out of shows to watch. So I've decided to rewatch Stargate SG-1.

I made french toast.

My uterus hates me.

I got a giant package from walmart. $50 just does not buy that much stuff. Its saddening.

Vacation soon. When I get back from lease signing, and if maintenance guys are gone, I do believe I am going to start packing. Woo.

Oh YT. I want to move in with my bf. Unfeasible at the moment. For at least another year once I sign my lease. But would be nice.
I want to marry him YT

Ughhh smoke reeking guy.

There are 24 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I want to do Tough Mudder - Mood:Good
Monday July 29 201310:52:36 AM |
I'm trying to convince my bf. I don't think its going well. It sounds fun though!

I am down to like, 4 pots of plants in my windows. From 20+. They are now in the ground at my bfs. I miss them. Don't miss the gnats though.

Week long vacation in 12 days!!!
I gotta start packing.

I farm markets. I'm all stocked on tomatoes, cherries, cucumbers, and lettuce.

High heels are the devil. Though for the first time in my life, my feet (shoes anyway) actually were flat on the ground when I sat on the toilet. That was interesting. My feet dangle from most seated positions.

I am debating watching LOTR movies. Never seen them. Should I read the books first? I don't know. I might just watch the movies.

I've run out of things to say YT.
Oh, garage saling went well. Got a ton of stuff. Woo.

I am stumped on breakfast.

There are 51 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Medical Boobs - Mood:Good
Thursday June 20 20136:06:41 PM |

They ITCH so much The tape anyway.

I am all electroded.

And apparently can't change my bra for 24 hours.

I made a sock pack for the box, and pinned it to me bra, the whole around the neck thing was hurting my neck.

I felt very healthy when they were asking me questions. No coffee, no soda, no smoking, no drinking, i get a bunch of exercise.

I have to write down every time stuff happens. Which.. is confusing. the examples are exercise, palpitation, using bathroom, eating, smoking. Which is like.. a wide variety of stuff.

I wrote down when i sneezed Better to write too much than not enough I suppose.

Writing the palps is annnnoying though, because they are like every 5-20 minutes. Then I have to check the time on box. Which is find as i sit here, but out sucks.

There are 46 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Apparently my gram recovered from Huntington`s Chorea when she was 12. - Mood:Good
Wednesday June 19 20138:06:59 PM |

I'm trying to get a family history of heart issues for cardiologist tomorrow. And my gram blew my mind.
She says she got Huntingtons when she was 12, was bedridden and in the hospital for like 6 months, and almost died, and this left her with a heart murmur she has been on medication for ever since.

This.. goes against everything I know about Huntingtons, as a chronic, slowly degenerative incurable disease. But she INSISTS.

So. Basically I don't know wtf to tell the cardiologist. Suppose i will pass along her story.

Unless I am just completely ill-informed and my knowledge of Huntingtons isn't what I think it is.

Which is very possible and all.

I have a headache.

I am like, halfway done packing for vacation. Leaving Friday afternoon from here. Then Saturday morning on the road.

But cardiologist first. I'm scared. Can't help it. Mostly of wtf it is.


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Heart palpitations are f*cking annoying - Mood:Good
Monday June 17 20137:22:32 PM |
Seriously. They don't hurt. But its like having the hiccups, more spaced out, for 2 weeks straight. Ugh.

On one hand, I want them to go away. On the other, i'm scared at what that entails me doing.

Bf is all moved into new apt! Its a gorgeous apt. Plus I feel all included since i helped them move in, and had input on a lot of the outlay of it. Its weird to be home now.

Vacation this weekend. I'm torn on if i wanna go or not. I told my mom yes. But. I don't know. I'll be boyfriendless. And i have to share the same small run down motel room with my mom, stepdad, and 2 giant labradors, who last time i roomed with them, peed on my head.

But it is SOMEWHERE and all, change of scenery and all that.

And it will be "typical nicole, dropping out/ bailing/ changing plans last minute" to my mom if i decide not to go.
Plus i do like it there and all.


I don't know.
I'm out of thoughts.

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Its been a very long, very unpleasant 48 hours. - Mood:Good
Friday June 14 20131:47:20 AM |
I don't even know where to start.

So, I was awake for 20 hours, trying to right my sleep schedule. But then my chest started doing this weird spasmy thing that was freaking me out, so I called the health center to see what they thought and they wouldn't tell me anything other than "come in now".

So i dragged my ass to campus. They set me up with an appt with a cardiologist then lead me to a little room. The nurse started taking out needles and crap and I was like oh HELL no. I pass out on a GOOD day, you are not blood drawing me when i have been awake 24 hours and was lightheaded anyway. So I said i'd come back tomorrow morning for it. Having no intention of doing so, I just wanted to get the f*ck out of there I am very scared of needles, for very good reason. I pass out EVERY DAMN TIME. People don't understand this, thats its a physical response, not anxiety.


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