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Female, 31 years old
ny, Eastern US

  Offline - Last On: 1 day 3 hours ago

18 Buddies
28 Subscribers
28,556 Profile Views
48,277 Posts | Member Since: 7/25/2002
Link to this profile:

i won`t have to anymore jon groff

Interests: Dogs / Dancing / Games / Poetry / Singing
Homepage: (None)
Birthday:10/11/1985 (31 Years Old)
IM Type: MSN IM Name:
Occupation: Dancer
Marital Status: Dating
Sexual Preference: (Decline to State)
Religion: Buddhist
Politics: (Decline to State)
Fav. Movie: good will hunting, you`ve got mail, dead poets
Fav. TV Show: House, macgyver, poker
Fav. Book: Without You by Anthony Rapp
Fav. Song: i like broadway :-) and singer/songwriters
Fav. Food: free. i like free food. i`m health nut though
Fav. Car: bah. walkings where its at
Theme 'evanescence2' created by NicolesLove
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I wish i could eat ice cream. - Mood:Good
Monday February 16 20096:05:53 PM |
I have a SERIOUS ice cream urge. With whipped cream.

I want some.. chocolate/vanilla swirl with hot fudge running through it. Mmmmm.

F*cking stomach.

I am a terrible person. Its unpleasant.

I need some f*cking meds man.

I think i'll go walk around campus/town for the next 4 hours.

But that will give me WAY too much time to think.

I can't walk with my (only) friend because he has a cold and i'm a germophobe will go no where near me.

Plus he is a bit panphobia-ish, and all 'oh my god my life sucks, i hate my life, i should just die, the world is out to get me". I don't feel like dealing with that.

I may bitch and moan but i am an annoyingly cheerful and optimistic person overall
90% of my friends used to be "zomg i should just die the world hates me", and i therefore have a very low tolerance now.

This is why i don't drink. I would so get trashed right now.

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My perception of the entire world has been flipped and shattered/ I would like to get in better touch with my manly side - Mood:Shocked
Sunday February 15 20094:03:57 PM |
I have no idea how to go about getting in better touch with my manly side, however. I think i'm too girly. Especially now with the bf. Dude. I giggle.


Thats just so not cool on so many levels.

I need a more guyish avy for starters.

Dude, boobs feel nice to grab and molest. And soft. NO thats not guyish to say they are soft. Um.. they are... I dunno what do guys find good about boobs?

So how can i go about being more like a guy?
Maybe i should stop thinking. I think that would be a huge step in the right direction. Keep things simple.

Any suggestions?

Oh and the shock and world changing revelation: This pen.. is actually a pencil You don't understand. I was 100% sure it was a pen, i picked it up, wrote with it, and its a pencil!

I know, i know, i just blew your minds.

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I`m allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll by myself. And bored. - Mood:Good
Saturday February 14 20098:04:23 PM |
The boys knee hurts and is home sleeping

I went and danced for a bit.

And now i'm bored.

So far i haven't eaten another cupcake. In both senses. Though i really want to.

So. What should i do for the next 5 hours?

I refuse to just sit here.

I probably shouldn't start trouble.

I really want a cupcake.

I need a hobby.

Whats new?

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Oh my good. The craving is insane. The need the want, the itch, its there. its so easy. Just pick it up. - Mood:Good
Saturday February 14 20091:35:37 PM |
I just want it so bad, but i want too much, i'll go too far, too much, and regret the injury i made to myself.

Its just so tempting. Its like a chanting in my ears "do it, do it, do it, do it"

But i can't! No. Its wrong. I'll be in such pain afterwards. and the regret oh my GOD the regret and shame.

I don't know why i bought them in the first place.

To use obviously.

But i didn't know how hard it would be to stop myself, to fight against my self to not abuse them.

Its my own fault, i bought the damn four giant cupcakes and now i have to not inhale them all at once.

Its SO HARD. Because its just so easy once you start to just keep going and going until you look down at the frosting all over your hands and the crumbs in your lap and shout SWEET JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE

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I feel bad for my boyfriend, that he`s not getting laid - Mood:Good
Friday February 13 200911:40:36 PM |
Its an odd feeling

Like, i feel bad he's not getting laid. But not enough to have sex with him or not have a problem with him having sex with someone else.

I may have freaked out on him a little bit this morning. stupid sexual trauma.

However, before that it was lovely He came over at like 9am, WAY TOO FREAKING early. But We spent a lovely morning together before i had to go to class.

I went to see the vagina monologues. It was okay. It was kinda cute but i dunno. Kinda boring in some parts At least i knew some of the people in it, that helped a bunch.

So. I went to bed at 4am, woke up at 8:30am. Spent time with bf. Went to class. Walked to the grocery store, got groceries, walked back. Went to the show. Danced for 2 hours.

Why am i not passed out yet?
I think i would be if i laid down But i am far too stubborn!!!!

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Its not a beautiful morning. Its not a beautiful day. - Mood:Good
Thursday February 12 20091:23:54 PM |

I had THE most disturbing dreams. they left me waking up depressed. UNENJOYABLE.

I believe i was making out with my mom in one Well, she was making out with me i was just staning there going wtf? and she wasn't my mom. She looked like her, she was the label of my mom, but she acted like some actress i can't put my finger on.

My bf was all disappointing in my dream. So i'm kinda mad at him over what happened in my dream i hate that.

Its raining. And windy. And i seriously don't feel like getting out of bed. Ever. So i don't think i will. F*ck my two classes. F*ck my bf wanting to bring me to his house tonight.

F*ck everything.

Hows your day?

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Oh what a beautiful mooooooooorning, oh what a beautiful day, i`ve got a beautiful feeeeeeeeeeeling - Mood:Good
Wednesday February 11 20097:47:20 AM |
I have pretty much been known to come close to murder when i have to be up before 10am. Even 10am is pushing it. i am NOT a morning person. I function best between 10pm-4am.

I used to come seriously close to quitting every morning when i had to be at work by 7am.

However. I am up right now. Its almost 8am. I was up at like 6am.
And am not homicidal in the least

Why? The bf found a wonderful way of waking me up sans homicide

Amazing. I didn't think it could be done.

You've got mail. The bfs brother was so laughing at me watch it. I kept girly sighing and getting all.. well, girly.

I have a problem though. That i would like to talk to death with a million people because i am a girl and thats how i work.
Which drives the bf insane.

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Dude. Its cold standing outside in just a towel. Or, how i set off the fire alarm. - Mood:Good
Tuesday February 10 20092:20:48 AM |
So i was in the shower, enjoying a very lovely, loooooong, scolding hot shower. Possibly singing. When the fire alarm went off. I swore a bit, and dressed as quickly as i could with shaking hands (what if there actually was a fire??).

I went to go outside and realized i had no shoes on. Its 30 degrees. I ran to my room and grabbed a pair of boots.

I had thin pants, boots, a tank top and a towel. And wet hair/other. Dear lord that was cold. At least it wasn't 5 degrees like it was the other night.

So we all go back inside after waiting a good 30 minutes outside. I go back into the bathroom. Word in the bathroom, where all the girls from the floor had gathered, that someone taking too hot of a shower set off the alarm....

It was a damn good shower though, until the whole fire alarm part.

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Well, I found out what my mystery package was/ No more singing wooland creatures - Mood:Good
Monday February 09 20092:38:25 PM |
I'm back from my high. I don't like it down here

The mystery package was a textbook i forgot i bought online
Totally unfun package.


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I really feel like going to dance and sing with animated woodland creatures. With rainbows in the background. Next to a stream of hot fudge. With a tiara on.... Ok no tiara. - Mood:Good
Friday February 06 200910:19:31 PM |
Holy crap. I am happy. Honestly happy. And sickeningly in love. Someone make it go away

*dreamy girly sigh*

Dude. Love kinda rocks. Yay for feeling wonderful without drug enhancement.

I'm starting to shake my head at myself and point and laugh though. Seriously. I have these freaky dreamy lovestruck eyes going.
Plus i am WAY too happy. I'm not supposed to be happy, i'm a cutter godammit.

However, my crazy depressed pessimistic side isn't completely gone. As good as this feels i keep thinking "man.. this is gonna suck hard and be a long fall down to cold concrete if this relationship ends"

So i'm still in there somewhere. Beneath the lovey smiles and dreamy sighs and singing woodland creatures.

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Holy throat hurting/ I have throat cancer - Mood:Good
Wednesday February 04 20092:53:35 PM |
But.. not my throat. like,

I'm dying aren't.

Its not bad when i'm not chewing/swalllowing.

But... i'd rather not starve. And i have no pudding!!!

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How does one stop being clingy/needy? - Mood:Good
Wednesday February 04 200912:05:11 AM |
I hate you all. I said "for the win". Out loud today.

Pasta al fredo at 11pm. Oh dear GOD. Not a good idea.

I am such a girl. I've always kinda prided myself on being mostly ungirl-like. But this whole bf thing? Yea. COMPLETELY a girl. make it go away.

So, any suggestions on the title?

I thought about stopping into the counseling center. Maybe they can help, give me some tips/insights. Plus theres the whole cutting thing to keep in check.

So i was thinking about living in a bubble. Anyone know where i can get one?

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There`s something wrong with me - Mood:Good
Tuesday February 03 20091:57:17 PM |
I keep crying for no reason And am in a crappy mood.
But... I go numb, mute and pretty much catatonic when i'm in a crappy mood.
I have to literally scream and push at myself in my head to even answer people.

How the f*ck do i wake myself back up?

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Wanna keep me company in the laundry room?/ What time is it? Its laundry day! - Mood:Good
Tuesday February 03 20091:00:21 AM |
If i took all the clothes hanging around in this room i could have a whole new wardrobe. I wouldn't do that. But i know people who would, therefore, i brought my laptop down here to keep me company as i chaperone my laundry.

I already read a readers digest. And my clothes are in the dryer now.
It smells like gas down here.

I have 44 minutes left on my clothes.

I may be singing along with my laptop at 1am by myself in the laundry room.

i am THIS CLOSE to dance all about in here. Its quite roomy in here.

My hair always looks like crap. I get out of bed, it looks like crap, i dance it looks like crap. i get out of the SHOWER and it looks like crap. It hates me.

I feel like i am annoying/being bitchy at/pissing off everyone today. Including myself.
Its unpleasant.

i washed my reds with my whites, and i expect to get away with it. I don't mind pink.

So whats up?

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My gram just gave me a sex talk. Hilarious. - Mood:Good
Monday February 02 20091:07:45 AM |
All i said was i slept over my boyfriend's house last night.

I got a disapproving sound then "well, what you do is up to you and your mother". Not me and my bf, no, me and my mother

To which i replied "um, what does mom have to do with anything? Gram i'm 23 years old."

Then i got a "both me and your mother got pregnant before we planned" speech.

I swear they think of me as 15 and being a virgin forever.

And the bf wonders why i'm so weird about sex. Because i came from them!!

In related news, i have NASTY looking hickey/bruises all over my neck Make up doesn't even cover it. Hes evil. He so did that on purpose.

He used the L word we've been technically dating for like, a week. And he used the L word I'm not sure if i wanna go there yet. Yes completely smitten, but the L word? Bah.

He so brought me to a porn store today.

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Do you ever in the middle of walking start thinking and next thing you know you are wondering how on earth you got where you are? - Mood:Good
Friday January 30 20092:33:29 PM |
Its interesting.

My neighbors are SO mad at me. And its all my boyfriends fault He's mean, he knows i have neighbors and he knows what happens when he does certain things. Mean.

YAY! First week of classes over.

And i was SO RIGHT about what all my stomach issues were. Pms btw.

Wow this journal is just full of TMI

What are you doing tonight between 7pm and midnight?

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The boy slept over/ i`m late/ i`m skipping class/ holy good reflexes/ i`m a terrible student/ i need a gut transplant - Mood:Good
Thursday January 29 20096:36:27 PM |
Ok then. Where shall we start.

I am skipping class right now because i am a terrible time manager and therefore got out of the shower 3 minutes before class started, i don't even have the book we were supposed to read yet, and my stomach is revolting.

My stomach. and intestines. and other evil insides i don't know are involved.
For a good week now my stomach and company have been giving me hell. Its unpleasant. I got all nauseous and dizzy in the shower couple days ago. Everything i eat my stomach rejects.

So i opened my fridge, which plugged my alarm clock cord, my alarm clock is wound through my lamp, so my alarm clock, lamp, water bottle, etc, all went tumbling to the floor. With one hand, i caught my lamp sideways. woo go me

Ow. my kidneys hurt. Everything from my boobs to my vagina is in pain and aches.

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F*cking class. I should have skipped and played trivia - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 28 20092:54:29 PM |
Do I-

1) dance from 5-6 then have class from 6-8 then hang with bf


2) have class from 6-8, dance from 9:30-11pm and not hang with bf today

This of course is all subjective to if my stomach actually wants to behave today.

I am going to textbook shop online right now.
I don't need one of them for a month or so, so i figured i'd see if i can get it online cheaper than the 100$ the bookstore wants

I am now takin:

Sankofa (african drum and dance emsemble)
African dance II
Movement and self awareness
Modern history
Ancient history

Though i am working on dropping ancient history since i only need one.

Someone teach me how to be a less clingy girlfriend.

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Zomg my face is falling off - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 27 200910:16:36 PM |
I have a lump on my face.

I got a lump on my face is early december under my right eye. I figure it was one of those ultra mutating zits that comes from the depth of hell before surfacing. It mostly was.
Then i got another one a couple days like 2 cms from the first one.

They went down, but i still have small red tiny bumps from them.

THEN i got one on my left cheek, under my eye, EXACTLY symmetrical to the one on the right cheek. Same depth of hell weird hard lump inside my cheek first. But.. i never really completely looked like a zit.

Anyway, that one is a tiny red bump now too.

And i just got ANOTHER ONE, little higher up from the first right eye one.

Its a giant hard lump underneath my skin. Theres no broken skin or anything.


I wash it everyday. Take a shower everything.
I was using a new soap but stopped

I would take pics but.. ew.

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*Dreamy sigh* - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 27 20091:39:55 PM |
I'm bursting with love happiness.

Its odd

Make it go away.

Not really. But lovesick people annoy me. And I am SO there

He sends me the sweetest texts.
I feel so.. appreciated. Like he actually gives a f*ck about me. Its lovely

Enough lovey dovey crap.

My Ancient World professor has THE most perfect voice to fall asleep to. I seriously want to record him and listen on about ancient hunter gatherers when i can't fall asleep. It'll put me right out.
But very very bad for staying awake in class.

Modern World is next at 3. I hope that guy is part teacher part actor. Those ones are always fun.
I doubt it though.


It hurts when i eat. It hurts when i don't eat. EVERYTHING bothers it.

I can't live on cheerios man.
What a sucky week to have my stomach going flippity fluey.

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Ok someone help me figure out my life. This specific part anyway. - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 27 20092:08:05 AM |
So there is something wrong with my stomach i either caught a bug or its pms. yes my pms is that bad. Plus i just moved back into the dorms and that messes up my stomach every time. So it could be a combination.

Anyway. I have a class MWF from 9:30am-11am that i didn't go to this morning because i felt like i wad dying. I was going to drop that class anyway though.

I have a class on TR from 9:45-11:15am. I shouldn't drop that class. Its ballet. i HATE ballet. But it might help in my dance audition thats coming up in March. But i took the exact same class last semester. and HATED it and it was at 11:30am.
I don't get up in the morning well. when I had a job I seriously woke up and went, dude, i'd so rather get fired than get up. Only thing that made me get up was that my stepdad was my ride and i didn't wanna make him late.


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This is like.. the third happy journal in a row for me.. holy jujubees, what is this boy doing to me - Mood:Good
Monday January 26 200912:08:54 AM |
"I so should have stayed. Even for just one minute longer. Just so i could see your pretty face."

Seriously. holy corny wonderful sweetness

However, my stomach is killing me. BAH!!!!

Classes start tomorrow.
I think i should just stay here in this dorm and not go to any classes. Just enjoy dorm life.

This guy is so going to leave me. Because i am WAY too complicated man. And have so many issues.

But I am going to enjoy it while it lasts

How was your night?

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Ahhhhh back to dorm (food) life - Mood:Good
Sunday January 25 20093:04:38 PM |
What i could eat today:

-frozen chicken gram made me
-frozen chicken nuggets
-mini bagels


Man. I miss real food (choice) already.

The bf comes over in 4 hours And i HAVE to make him leave at midnight! Because i have class! I *should* make him leave anyway. Not sure thats actually going to happen. But i SO have to. Because i can't sleep with other people in my bed. And he has to leave before me, so he'll wake me up and i am homicidal if woken up.
Plus i think its to soon for a sleepover

I'd have the boy bring me real food but i'd feel bad.

So. Waffles or rice for breakfast?

I stayed up til 4am playing gin with a friend of mine last night. That was fun. I won That boy needs to get laid. And so not by me. Perhaps then he'd stop trying to grab at me Not in a bad way. Just in a 'whoa dude, i have a bf" enough way. But still.

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I`m starting to think i talk too much. - Mood:Good
Saturday January 24 200910:39:49 PM |
All my friends are boys at the moment.

And i think they get tired of me talking. Cuz the boyfriend shuts me up by making out with me, like.. he wants for me to take a breath then starts kissing me. I think he's trying to tell me something

And A friend of mine just completely uh huhed and at one of my breaths really quickly hurried in with "Oki'mgonnagogetsomethingtoeatnowBYE!"


My bf wanted to bring me home tonight. Nicole is so not ready to meet parents/family.
Nicole is social anxiety prone and its not fun to meet people.

Plus I like being in my space. I'm not ready to be in his space yet.

EWW. Man. What is worse than finding a piece of corn in your chocolate pudding in a kids cuisine meal.

*happy sigh*

Holy nicole is sexually inexperienced batman.

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Holy sh*t and cakes - Mood:Good
Saturday January 24 20092:05:29 PM |
How sad am I.

I have to be like, medically anti-social/social anxiety. Because i have to go to dining services to get my swipe card fixed, and i have to take a shower. but i hear people in the hallway. And therefore won't leave my room.

So last night I stayed in my new dorm room for the first time
And had boy company for awhile
Boys. Seriously. He kissed me Then a bit later, he made out with me. Then a bit later he tried sticking his hands down my pants. Boys. Have no patience.
Hes nice though, and sweet, and i like him

Then he left, and my guy friend messaged and said the girl he was gonna ask out tonight (holy short notice) she lived in my building, and his phone fell in a puddle and died, so can i let him in and we go looking for her room together?

At 2:30am.

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