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Female, 29 years old
ny, Eastern US

  Offline - Last On: 39 mins ago

18 Buddies
27 Subscribers
23,882 Profile Views
47,743 Posts | Member Since: 7/25/2002
Link to this profile:

i won`t have to anymore jon groff

Interests: Dogs / Dancing / Games / Poetry / Singing
Homepage: (None)
Birthday:10/11/1985 (29 Years Old)
IM Type: MSN IM Name:
Occupation: Dancer
Marital Status: Dating
Sexual Preference: (Decline to State)
Religion: Buddhist
Politics: (Decline to State)
Fav. Movie: good will hunting, you`ve got mail, dead poets
Fav. TV Show: House, macgyver, poker
Fav. Book: Without You by Anthony Rapp
Fav. Song: i like broadway :-) and singer/songwriters
Fav. Food: free. i like free food. i`m health nut though
Fav. Car: bah. walkings where its at
Theme 'evanescence2' created by NicolesLove
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How do people with insomnia not kill themselves/other people? - Mood:Good
Sunday January 18 20099:09:35 AM |
I've accepted that i will not be falling asleep tonight.

But for godsake can i at least get comfortable???

If someone in western ny goes on a killing spree, it might be me.


Someone hit me really hard with a blunt object.

There are 26 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

WTF is wrong with me? (part 253) - Mood:Good
Saturday January 17 20099:12:15 PM |
I just got back from a date.

I like him, hes a nice guy.
We walked around the mall for awhile trying to figure out what to do.
Went to an arcade
Went and got subs and chatted.
Over a span of about 5 hours.

Yet... I sit in my room from getting home just... bummed. I can't think of a better word for it.

It was a good date. I had a good time. Much fun at the arcade. Good convo over dinner.

Yet.. I am about to cry. what the ever lovin f*ck?????

I want a hug.
I don't want to be alone tonight.

There are 29 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I must bitch. - Mood:Good
Saturday January 17 20093:26:53 AM |

I was watching my best friend's girl online.

I have been walking for 1 hour and 13 minutes. It has 20 minutes left.

It is at the HUGE climax.

For those who have seen it its when dane cook is walking down the aisle in slow motion lighting a cigarette with the music playing behind him.


Oh my god.
I have to go to bed in about a half an hour.
Thats just


There are 9 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Anyone know any good fiction or non fiction books about someone in a mental hospital? (shopping pics) - Mood:Good
Friday January 16 20095:57:46 PM |
My Christmas card to mudassar got returned to sender Address unknown. No such number. No such zone.

What in the heck does the third to last thing say?

Bath and body works on clearance, hells yea!!
Also some hair dye and ear buds

Hair whatnot
Pink DVD!! Good concert



Books! I wanted some light young adult angsty reading
And cookies

There are 72 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Can`t i just have ONE NIGHT? Just one f*cking night where i don`t have be insane. - Mood:Good
Friday January 16 20093:28:27 AM |
Why can i not drating close my eyes without feeling like i'm gonna jump out of my skin

without wanting to punch a brick wall, without wanting to scream and tear away at myself, cover myself in blood & scars

without wanting to throw glass as hard as i possibly can just to revel in the shattering, & swim in the shards

why can't i sit still and watch tv and go to bed and fall asleep without the pounding in my ears, the taunting on repeat in my head, the drowning, the implosion the need to feel pain the fight against myself to hold onto whatever i can, let go, scream hit walls, tear yourself apart until theres just red and no more skin showing.... no just breathe..... no go fly into a wall because any other pain isn't enough to satiate the screaming in your head.

God it would feel so good, god it would feel so f*cking good just do it, just do it, quite whining about it & just

There are 3 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Nothing to see, move along - Mood:Good
Thursday January 15 20091:45:30 AM |
I really want to. Oh how i want to.

I never know if i'm doing the right thing, what i should be doing, the best thing for myself, or anyone else involved.

Its so easy, to just let it all go, just do it. Forget about everything else and just close my eyes and sink into it.
Give up. Give in.
God i want to.

Say f*ck you i'm a terrible person go away to anyone i know.
And just be alone with my mistake.

There are 15 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

My tits look amazing in this shirt . - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 14 20094:42:23 PM |
Well, maybe not amazing, but better than normal.

My boobs never look good

I need to get to the mall but i have to walk and its 8 degrees. I want to go get some snow pants. Among other things.

My hair looks scary. I bet i can make it into a mohawk now, with the way its cut
I shall buy gel and let you know.

9 more days. 9 more days. ! 9 more days.

My ear is bleeding

I can't wait to move back into the dorm. I can almost taste the mac and cheese.

Great now theres blood on my cream colored hoodie. Thus why i like dark colored hoodies. Hide the blood better.

There are 119 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Mama said idle hands are devil`s handywork - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 13 200912:10:01 AM |

Good lord i hate being drunk called.

And i'm getting tired of having suicidal self destructive friends.
Which yes, i'm aware makes me a total hypocrite.
But thinking about myself, they don't help my insanity. They add to it actually, they bring me down.

So.. do i be a bad person, think about myself and avoid them or do i be a good friend and go down with them?

Oh the anxiety.

11 days until i go back to school.

On one hand i would LOVE to surround myself with normal, happy, motivated people.
But that would mean they'd be surrounded by me. Which completely doesn't seem fair.

Idle hands man. They get me every time.
They rub together and plot how to cause mischief.

There are 8 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

God damn why do I have no girl friends??/ I met someone online and didn`t die - Mood:Good
Saturday January 10 200910:30:23 PM |
I just got home from a date My first date with this guy i met online.

Not one pervy/sexual innuendo-y comment all night. Really respectful.

*girly sigh*

I rather like him

I feel like i'm in grease.
Winter lovin', had me a blast.

He couldn't understand why i wouldn't get in his car with him though. He didn't push, just doesn't understand.
He's obviously not a 4'11 girl.

I watch SVU, i ain't stupid

It turned cold and thats where it ends,
Now the women in my family are clucking like hens,
Then we made plans for next week, wow....
Bowling, then Pizza Hut for some chow.

Winter dreams, ripped at the seams,
but, oh,
Those wiiinter.. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiights.

How was your night?

There are 42 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

All my single ladies, now put your hands up. - Mood:Good
Friday January 09 20095:30:21 PM |
I am starving my face off.

My stomach is making all sorts of growly noises. I haven't eaten anything yet today, waiting on pizza. 30 more minutes.

Jesus my stomach sounds like its going to maul someone.

I went shopping today Bought a buncha crap.
Mostly forks. Since there are three of us and two forks in the house.
Dollar stores are awesome by the way.

I'm starting to think the guy i've been talking to and I aren't gonna have any sparks.
We have nothing to talk about apparently.
I don't know.
I'll be friends with him, and if that leads anywhere else okay then, but not be trying to make anything happen, with him or anyone else.

There are 8 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Put one foot wrong and i`m gonna fall, somebody gets it, all the lights are on, but i`m in the dark, whose gonna find me? whose gonna find me? Just one foot wrong, you`ll have to love me when i`m gone. (musing of a crazy person) - Mood:Good
Friday January 09 20094:39:30 AM |
So I thought a shower would help. No. Just sat on the floor of it leaning against the wall trying to think straight and sinking deeper with realizing i couldn't.

I will have nothing to lose at the end of March beginning of April if i don't get into the dance program. I will have nothing to hold onto, no future motivation. That scares me a bit.

16 more days until I can cut the ever loving hell out of my arms again. Thank god.

Don't make me leave. Its hell but its home.
I know its not right, but it feels right when i'm not right so i can't choose right.

I miss having logic. And understanding logic.
Maybe its safer here.
Is that why I come back?
Its safe being self destructive and unaware?

Leave me alone i'm lonely

Starin at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again

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Gene Kelly almost made me cream my panties . - Mood:Good
Thursday January 08 200910:20:42 PM |
I'm watching Anchors Aweigh Holy crap I want someone to talk to me on the phone like that. I may have swooned.

Hahaha. This movie is funny. And cute. I approve.

Who wants to go out and party with me tonight?

16 more days!! Woo. I can't wait to go back to school.

I'm bored out of my mind.
Its unpleasant.

There are 107 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

This used to be a funhouse, now its full of evil clowns, its time to start the countdown, i`m gonna burn it down down, i`m gonna burn it down - Mood:Good
Wednesday January 07 20096:09:47 PM |
So I want to dye my hair some crazy color. I figure, i'm in school, i don't have to be worried about getting fired from ym job for having neon hair since i don't have one at the moment.

But what color?

My hair is normally dark brown. purple, blue don't really show up. I've never been fond of having green hair.
Pink is so not happening.
Red doesn't show up and i don't want it bright red either.

Black is too.. non colorful

I refuse to bleach it. So there goes blonde/ colors being vivid.

So. The question i've had since i was 15. What color?

I used to have hair down to my waist. I just took a scissors and razor to it and now its about chin length. Well.. some of it anyway the longest parts.

I like it. I think.

So. what color.

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Someone tell me how to get this hair style without going to the hair dresser - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 06 200911:02:33 PM |
So I decided to do some push ups. I used to be able to do push ups all day when i was younger. So i figured, might as well do some, keep up my arms.

Yea. I got to 4 and a half. how sad.

Did some crunches as well. Now those i can do

so i want the hairstyle pink has at about 4:30 In this

but can't figure out how to do it. My hair is that length now anyways, i just want the.. spiky ends type thing she has going on and i can't figure out how.

No, i will not go to a hair dresser, 1) it'll cost me 40$ for them to do about 2 minutes of crap i could do myself if i knew what i was doing 2) every time i give them a picture(s) etc to go by, it never looks anywhere close. 3) i like a challenge even if it was free i'd wanna try it myself

I was thinking maybe its razoring it.

bah 900 characters

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Hi, I`d like to put in an application to re-do today. Thanks. - Mood:Good
Tuesday January 06 20095:29:55 PM |

I woke up. I went and got clothes from my old dance studio. I went to walgreens. I came home.

Thats it.

God i hate coming home. I go back to being 13 years old, where everything can break me and I regret everything that comes out of my mouth and sink back into self loathing.

18 more days.

18 more days til i go back to school.

Making this suffocating regret and anxiety go away.


There are 21 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Its never good to turn on Inside The Actor`s Studio and go "who the f*ck is that??" - Mood:Good
Monday January 05 20097:18:03 PM |
I've been watching for about 15 minutes now and i still don't know who it is.

HOWEVER. He mentioned my city and said he was at Geva theatre for awhile That's about 10 minutes from my house. Exciting.

I have been youtubing for a good 2-3 days now.

I'm on a Pink kick. Girl can sing. Good entertainer. Amusing in interviews.

I'm irritating this guy i met online that likes me

I won't let him drive me home. I want to walk to meet him in the mall then walk home. Which is difficult since he works til 6 and i won't walk in the dark.

But... i'm not budging. He has no idea how crazy/odd/ high maintenance i am. So that could be interesting.

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Do I have WHORE stamped across my forehead or something??? - Mood:Good
Sunday January 04 20096:34:22 PM |
I am completely disturbed.

At my college I went to two RAs when i went crazy at night. They knew all about my cutting, they knew me in the depths of my insanity.

One dropped out halfway through the semester because he was going for his masters and didn't think it was worth it. They were both half RA/ half friends to me. But kind of always in a position of authority ya know?

I moved buildings and the RA that was still around and i stayed friends and we get together once in awhile and hes a good sounding board. Kinda in a checking in type way.

We are all friends on facebook.

I haven't spoken to the one who moved out since mid october, though we sent each other greenie plants things and flair on facebook, ya know, type things.

OKAY. so i have issues. many issues. a good lot which they know.

Okay backstory done, here is my current predicament:

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No. - Mood:Good
Sunday January 04 200912:10:14 AM |
Make it go away.

I'm in a curl up in a corner and stare at the floor mood

Make it f*cking go away.

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So its a bad sign that i keep waiting for this guy to run away from me calling me a psycho right? - Mood:Good
Saturday January 03 20097:33:04 PM |
I think it is.

I just keep thinking this guy is just SO right on the edge of raising his eyebrow and slowly backing away.

I am not the ideal girl. I am so not. I have all these quirks and oddities, not to mention i am social disorder shy and oh did i mention crazy as all f*ck?

What guy would want that?
None which sucks understandable. but sucks.

What it also does is makes guys go "oh, um, yea, i don't wanna date you. But i'll f*ck you, yea let's f*ck" which is LOVELY for helping my insecurities and not feeling wanted only for sex.


Perhaps i should stay single for awhile.

There are 19 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I had a YT dream! - Mood:Good
Saturday January 03 20094:28:06 PM |
Sammy was in it. And she was far too nice. She came to visit, she had no accent though, which baffled my family. She visited my grandmas house We all had tea. Then she invited me back to Australia.
Seriously. She was far too nice.

Then i dreamed my sister was a successful doctor and i was the screw up daughter and that was unpleasant.

I woke up at one but my room was so cold i snuggled deeper into my blanket and fell back asleep.

I have to pee
Which, if you've been following that story, sucks. As my toilet is broken.

There are 35 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

So go and tell your friends that I`m obsessive and crazy, that`s fine, I`ll tell mine you `re gay - Mood:Good
Friday January 02 20097:55:21 PM |
I hate being discounted because i'm a virgin. Like i can't possibly know anything about sex/ related subjects because i'm a virgin.

While yes, that means I don't have experience with some things that doesn't mean you can scoff at me anytime i say anything relating to the topic because ".. but aren't you a virgin?" Its getting old people. Seriously.

Can i be Gene Kelly? Please?

22 more days til i move

I made pancakes in the shapes of dog faces for breakfast

I have been singing along to my tunes for a couple hours while YTIng its HIGHLY enjoyable.

And i gotta tell you. Once in awhile i don't sound too bad

I have no one else to bitch to about this so yall get my TMI.

I hate leaking out of my vagina. And feeling like my uterus is going to seize up and fall out.

Its not a good feeling.

That is why i never understand when people say (cont)

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Not having a working toilet while on the rag is the sh*ts man - Mood:Good
Friday January 02 20092:50:55 AM |
I my avy

I made trivia! Aren't you proud?

I have been youtubing Gene Kelly for a couple hours which led to donald o'connor, danny kaye, fred astaire videos.

Oh the happiness.

I need to find better friends. Like fo sho.
The ones i have kinda suck ass. They are so stuck in a constant swirling toilet bowl of a funk. And i don't feel like swirling down with them.

One of them is still in love with his ex after 8-9 months. Like completely not over her pining after her still in love with. With no plans of moving on.
AH I can only take so much of that.
Normally i wouldn't mind being there for someone through that. But that guy thinks i am only good for sex and/or hearing about his ex. He's oh so bad for me to be around.

I really want some fresh fruit.

There are 15 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

I am still holding out for YT meet up: Brockport - Mood:Good
Thursday January 01 20096:48:43 PM |
It will happen. Travel is good for you yall!

I am starving. We just had dinner but i didn't like a bunch of it and i hate eating at peoples houses.

So I'm starving. I wanna go home... but i have limited internetz there so, i don't. but i'm starving so i do.

I think i'm gonna meet up with this bloke i meet online (not here). So if you never see me again i most likely got raped and murdered.

I would like a YT memorial if its not too much trouble.


My mother wants to recreate the beyonce single ladies video with me and perform it for my dance studios benfit concert
Scary. But okay

I will so youtube it for yall.

There are 39 comments on this journal entry. View/Add Comments

Hey. You`re a crazy bitch but you f*ck so good I`m on top of it. When I dream, I`m doing you all night, scratches all down my back to keep me right on - Mood:Good
Wednesday December 31 20084:00:17 AM |

My that song is catchy.

I just heard it For the first time.

It is now my ringtone

by the way, I shouldn't headbang. I have a headache and am dizzy now. and i only 'headbanged' for 30 seconds.

Its also very weird to headbang then go girly skip and jazz hands to the remote to change the channel.

I am watching the top 40 videos of 2008 and downloading songs that i was too deep in the college bubble to hear.

I didn't even know some of people existed/came out with new poo.


Show me your boobs.

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This is why you don`t salsa dance in your family room (pics) - Mood:Good
Sunday December 28 20084:13:12 AM |

I do believe those are two of THE most unflattering pictures i have ever purposely taken.

But yea. Its not so much a product of dancing in the family room, just trying to salsa dance with experimental arm movements and really long fingernails. Thus, slicing my nose open

However, i am proud to say, like the professional I am, if i were by chance in a performance you never would have known i sliced my nose with my thumb nail. Not a flinch. Until i stopped dancing. I'm getting better at harming myself during movement and not letting it show.

Which.. sounds like a positive thing.. but.. I wonder if that means I'm also getting better at harming myself while dancing..

Back to salsa dancing!

After i trim my nails perhaps....

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