http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm http://www.youthink.com/art/yt_logo_bub5.gif Tue, 9 Feb 2010 12:39:01 EST The 50 most recently posted jokes from YouThink.com. en-us http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545971 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545971 andquot;Hey, Momandquot;, asked Johnny, andquot;can you give me twenty dollars?andquot; andquot;Certainly not.andquot; andquot;If you do,andquot; he went on, andquot;I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.andquot; His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. andquot;Well? What did he say?andquot; He said, andquot;Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.andquot; 2010-02-08T04:04:15-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545960 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545960 Eating a clown, the one cannibal says to the other andquot;Does this taste funny to you?andquot; 2010-02-07T21:18:39-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545902 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545902 A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, 'What's your name?' asked the chicken, 'Bond, James Bond. Whats yours?' replied Bond. 'Ken, Chick Ken.' 2010-02-04T15:14:07-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545798 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545798 When I heard that you get paid for donating sperm I was so disappointed in myself. Think of all the money I have let slip through my fingers. 2010-01-29T14:21:28-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545794 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545794 One day while fishing in the ocean off the coast of florida, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him hanging on to the boat. Seeing a old man on the shore, he yelled, andquot;Are there any gators around here?!andquot; andquot;Naw!andquot; the old man hollered back. andquot;They aint been around here for years!andquot; Feeling relived, the man started swimming back to shore. About halfway there, he asked, andquot;How'd you get rid of the alligators?andquot; andquot;We didnt do anything,andquot; the old guy says, andquot;The sharks got em.andquot; 2010-01-29T13:15:53-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545747 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545747 Knock knock . . . Whos there? Boo . . . Boo who? Why are you crying? Its just me ! 2010-01-26T22:04:43-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545741 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545741 A boy named Tommy pushed another boy off a cliff. He came into school that morning and said to his friends- “He landed on his butt!” “Tommy!” Said his teacher, “We don't say butt, we say rectum!” “Recked 'em?” Said Tommy, “Darn near killed 'em!” 2010-01-26T19:10:45-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545678 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545678 Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella? for drizzle 2010-01-23T11:49:05-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545676 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545676 A man hires a hitman to kill his wife. The hitman says andquot;I'll shoot her just below the left nipple.andquot; The man replies andquot;I want her dead not kneecapped!andquot; 2010-01-23T06:09:03-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545631 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545631 BANANANAAAAA 2010-01-20T23:17:05-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545622 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545622 Customer- I'd like to buy some dog food. Salesman- Do you have a dog? Customer- Yes. Salesman- Where is he? Customer- He's at home. Salesman- I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the same customer returns. Customer- I'd like to buy some cat food. Salesman- Do you have a cat? Customer- Yes. Salesman- Well.where is she? Customer- She's at home! Salesman- Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the customer returns again. Salesman- What's in the sack? Customer- Put your hand inside. Salesman- Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it? Customer- I would like to buy some toilet paper...... 2010-01-20T01:43:51-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545594 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545594 When your mum irons trousers for you 2010-01-18T21:00:50-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545592 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545592 Suicide for indecisive people. 2010-01-18T19:56:14-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545575 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545575 A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. andquot;These, senor,andquot; replies the waiter in broken English, andquot;are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.andquot; The tourist swallows hard but tastes the dish and thinks it is delicious. So he comes back the next day and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, andquot;These cojones, or whatever you call them....are much smaller that the ones I had last night.andquot; andquot;Yes, senor,andquot; replies the waiter, andquot;You see...the bull, he does not always lose.andquot; 2010-01-17T23:36:45-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545574 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545574 A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. andquot;You'll get your chance in court,andquot; said the police officer. andquot;No, no, no!andquot; said the man. andquot;I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years.andquot; 2010-01-17T23:31:32-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545573 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545573 Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychology texts. The funny thing is that it really works! Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. No one but you know your secret place. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called 'the world.' The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under water. 2010-01-17T23:28:27-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545563 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545563 A burglar was making his nightly rounds, pilfering houses, stealing things, what burglars do. In the midst of his plundering, in one house, he hears a voice say andquot;Jesus is watching you.andquot; He sweeps the room with his flashlight, but sees nobody, so he continues putting stuff in his bag. andquot;Jesus is watching you,andquot; he hears again. He sweeps the room again, and shines light on a parrot's cage just as the bird says andquot;Jesus is watching you,andquot; again. The burglar laughed a little bit, to which the bird replied andquot;hey buddy I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You're in a whole heap of trouble because I know what you look like.andquot; The burglar, a little frightened, begins to reason with the bird. andquot;You're a pretty smart bird,andquot; he says. andquot;What's your name?andquot; andquot;Moses.andquot; the bird states, succinctly. The burglar scoffs, andquot;That's the worst name for a bird ever! What kind of people name a parrot Moses?andquot; The bird replies, andquot;the same type of people who name a rottweiler Jesus.andquot; 2010-01-17T15:24:24-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545561 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545561 When King Arthur was looking for the Holy Grail, he made his wife wear a chastity belt fitted with a guillotine to stop anyone intefering with her while he was away. When he returns he asks all knights to drop their trousers and the only one with his bits still together was Lancelot. andquot;Lancelotandquot; he says. andquot;You are the only man i can trust loyal friend, what shall we do with these traitors?andquot; Lancelot does not reply. Athur then says andquot;Come on man speak up, have you lost your tongue?andquot; 2010-01-17T13:26:31-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545556 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545556 Chinese guy goes to the doctor and says, 'me no feel well'. The doctor says, 'when i feel unwell, i make love to my wife'. The chinese guy returns after a couple of days and says 'mee feel better. you have lovely house'. 2010-01-17T09:47:14-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545555 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545555 Two monkeys in a bath. One of them says 'whooo hoooo haa haaaaaaaaa'. The other one says 'turn the cold one on then you moron'. 2010-01-17T09:40:43-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545554 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545554 A women is standing in front of the mirror and says to her husband 'I look old, fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment'. He says 'well, your eyesight's spot on'. 2010-01-17T09:37:25-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545542 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545542 George W. Bush walks into a barbor shop. He gets a haircut and the barbor asks for $4.99, with the tax of 1 cents. Bush just sits there for about 3 minutes counting on his fingers. Then Bush gives him 7 dollars. 2010-01-16T21:56:31-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545540 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545540 Your momma so fat she uses the ocean as the bath tub. 2010-01-16T20:06:57-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545538 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545538 the tiger walked into the bar, and the barman said, what do you want? the tiger said..............................................hmm.....I want beer. and the barman said, whats with the big pause. 2010-01-16T19:07:31-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545522 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545522 One tree leans over to another tree and says, andquot;Hey, I've got wood!andquot; 2010-01-16T02:25:31-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545517 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545517 Their was a man who loved to do magic tricks on a ship every night. The captain of the ship heard about the man and wanted to see him in the show later that night. The man was worried about the show not only because the captain was there, but the fact that he brought his parrot with him. The man went on with the show anyway, but during the show, the parrot would give out all the tricks. andquot; It's in his hat, bwaaak!andquot; andquot; It's under the table, BWAAAK!!andquot; Now the man was very upset with the parrot and ran backstage to calm himself, but the parrot flew backstage with him. The man was so annoyed with the parrot that he pulled out a pistol and shot at the bird, but the bird ducked and the bullet hit a propane tank full of gas and the whole ship exploded. The only survivers of the ship was the man and the parrot, their both out at the ocean on wooden planks. The parrot then said, andquot;Alright, I give up. Where's the darn ship?andquot; 2010-01-15T18:54:44-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545516 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545516 I was going to eat some chips but andquot;oliveandquot; em are gone! 2010-01-15T18:31:49-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545507 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545507 I don't know if there are any andquot;Your momma's so hairyandquot; jokes, but if not, I'm making some- Yo momma is so hairy, Liberachi mistook her for a coat! Yo momma is so hairy, she walked down the street and everyone screamed andquot;SASQUATCH!!andquot; 2010-01-15T00:20:34-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545496 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545496 Your mum is so dumb, she locked herself in the toilet, got scared she might never get out, and phooed in her pants. 2010-01-14T21:18:15-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545484 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545484 There was ODOR in the QUART!!!! 2010-01-14T12:10:12-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545459 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545459 hey tell your pants that it,s not polite to point 2010-01-12T20:53:04-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545444 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545444 A little boy was behind the barn masturbating when he had his first orgasm. It scared him so he ran inside to his dad and said andquot;daddy, daddy I think there's something wrong with me. White stuff started coming out my privateandquot;. And dad said andquot;oh son that's ok. Don't worry about it. That's where babies come from. So the little boy went back behind the barn where his sperm landed and a frog was sitting there and the little boy said andquot;ur an ugly son of a bitch but daddy loves uandquot;! 2010-01-12T05:05:39-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545442 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545442 In their bellies. 2010-01-11T23:51:32-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545413 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545413 Your mum is so dumb, she thought cheerios are doughnut seeds. 2010-01-09T22:44:11-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545410 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545410 Gravy 2010-01-09T20:29:10-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545375 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545375 Toe-knee 2010-01-08T20:30:21-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545345 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545345 Women think they have it tough trying to balance their career and home life. They should try balancing their laptop while having a five knuckle shuffle. 2010-01-07T14:04:15-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545335 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545335 Why don't rabbits make noise during sex ??? answer - because they have cotton balls 2010-01-06T14:23:54-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545319 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545319 The midgets 2010-01-05T17:43:06-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545313 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545313 Nothing, they are both -33. 2010-01-05T11:56:15-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545290 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545290 You turn it on 2010-01-04T17:42:03-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545267 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545267 If the Redskins are called the reds... And the Buccaneers are called the bucs. What are the Titans called? 2010-01-03T21:50:55-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545265 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545265 A blonde and a brunette live with eachother. The blonde comes home with a rope around her waist. Brunette-Why is there a rope on your waist Blonde-i tried to commit suicide Brunette-isn't it supposed to go around your neck? Blonde-i tried that and i couldn't breathe! 2010-01-03T19:15:30-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545260 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545260 white man said- Colored people are not allowed here. The black man turned around and stood up. He then said- Listen sir.... when I was born I was BLACK When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you are born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored? The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away.. 2010-01-03T13:16:09-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545247 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545247 Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. 2010-01-03T04:01:53-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545246 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545246 Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. 2010-01-03T04:00:50-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545239 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545239 Okay, a blonde walks into a barber shop to get her hair cut. She wore earphones there. Once she sat down onto the seat, the barber took off the earphones. andquot;Okay, I need to go grab the scissors in the other room.andquot; said the barber. The blonde didn't respond. Once the barber came back, the blonde was dead. The barber listened to the earphones. The earphones said, andquot;Breathe in, Breathe Outandquot;. 2010-01-03T00:29:13-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545192 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545192 You are so fat, you fell in love and broke it. 2009-12-31T21:53:07-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545173 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545173 The Difference between Tiger Woods and Santa 2009-12-31T09:52:25-05:00 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545166 http://www.youthink.com/jokes.cfm?obj_id=545166 A man was lying on his deathbed, very close to death. Faintly, he said andquot;Anna, are you here?andquot; andquot;Yes, I'm here,andquot; his wife replied. Weakly, he asked,andquot; Ellen, Bill, John, are you here?andquot; andquot;Yes, we are all here,andquot; his children replied. andquot;Is the whole family here?andquot; he asked. andquot;Yes, we are all crowded here, every one of us,andquot; his mom replied. At this, he sat bolt upright in his bed and yelled andquot;Then why is the kitchen light on???andquot; 2009-12-30T22:27:42-05:00