If you hadn`t noticed I can be quite the bum opening when I`m depressed. I like to say depression is the reason for it but most people will say it`s... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of snarf | mood: Good

The things I can not change

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1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:34:30 PM EST (GMT-5)
If you hadn't noticed I can be quite the bum opening when I'm depressed.

I like to say depression is the reason for it but most people will say it's an excuse.

Reason.

Excuse.

Semantics.

Does it really matter when the result is the same? I end up hurting the people I care about when they get to see the vile things I'm capable of thinking.

I'm having a hard time accepting that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, but really, it's for the best.

No one deserves having to deal with me.

1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:44:09 PM EST (GMT-5)
I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life too (different reasons though). It is hard to accept and a little scary.

BUT we don't know the future. Something could happen that changes everything and makes things possible, who knows, but the possibility is there.

We're all capable of thinking extremely vile things and sometimes those thoughts escape our mouth... sometimes more than sometimes if our mood is affecting us too strongly. And people are right to feel hurt, to hold us to a higher standard, and to not allow it to be excused.

Everyone should to try to be the best they can be, no matter how many times they fail. Trying matters.

You aren't evil. You have things to work on but I can tell, at your root, you are good natured.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:44:23 PM EST (GMT-5)
do you think change in medz dosage keep you kore stable or side effects would be too much?
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:45:05 PM EST (GMT-5)
Being alone is awesome! You can do whatever/whoever you want when you want!
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:47:24 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:45:05 PM bgraham23 wrote:
Being alone is awesome! You can do whatever/whoever you want when you want!

and it takes only two weeks before someone finds your dead corpse.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:48:09 PM EST (GMT-5)
I've lashed out and been an asshole when depressed, too.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:50:18 PM EST (GMT-5)
So there are 17 people who like me on OK Cupid. I wear a pretty mask.

Let's say I start a relationship.

When it gets around to "Why do you have to have supervised visits" I can either lie or tell them I grabbed my ex wife by the throat, knocked her to the ground and screamed in her face"If you ever f*ck around on me again I'll tie you up and make you watch while I rape the children" while choking the life out of her. If her mother hadn't been there to distract me I'm convinced I would have killed her.

The reason is I had a psychotic break with reality due to my bipolar disorder.

The reason is her adultry hurt me more than anything could do I wanted to say something that hurt her even more.

But the reason doesn't matter.

The result is the same.

No one deserves having to deal with me because of what I can become.



1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:51:33 PM EST (GMT-5)
It doesn't matter how nice and kind I can be when U'm stable vecause we all know what's hiding behind the mask
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:53:33 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:45:05 PM bgraham23 wrote:
Being alone is awesome! You can do whatever/whoever you want when you want!
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:47:24 PM Abzurd wrote:
and it takes only two weeks before someone finds your dead corpse.

I’ve thought of that, but figure I will not care as I’ll be, you know, dead.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:59:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:44:09 PM shakonomics wrote:
Trying matters. You aren't evil. You have things to work on but I can tell, at your root, you are good natured.


I like who I am when I'm happy. I fear what swings in either direction brings.

I'm trying to work on who I am but I feel it's pointless unless someone can invent a pill that keeps me from the extremes.

1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:02:31 PM EST (GMT-5)
Snarf, is the nice part of you really a mask? Because you seem to care a lot about the bad things you said/did. If you were a really all around cruel person, you wouldn't be thinking about all this.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:03:34 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:44:23 PM Abzurd wrote:
do you think change in medz dosage keep you kore stable or side effects would be too much?


By the time I notice a change it's too late, I've already acted out.

Besides, the only thing I've found tha pulls me out of depression is pot and that isn't an option. I've tried all sorts o f pills with no success. Talking is the only thing that helps so that's why I'm here.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:05:52 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:59:20 PM snarf wrote:
I like who I am when I'm happy. I fear what swings in either direction brings. I'm trying to work on who I am but I feel it's pointless unless someone can invent a pill that keeps me from the extremes.


Well, keep trying. Even if no pill exists, you have to do what you can. That's all. Maybe it's not enough or maybe it will be enough eventually. Who knows.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:06:37 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:02:31 PM shakonomics wrote:
Snarf, is the nice part of you really a mask? Because you seem to care a lot about the bad things you said/did. If you were a really all around cruel person, you wouldn't be thinking about all this.


It feels like a mask because no matter how good I want to be I'm capable of unspeakable things.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:14:37 PM EST (GMT-5)
I had a lot of angry outbursts back in the day, mainly in middle school and high school. I threw my friend head first into a concrete wall, picked up a chair and threatened to throw it at someone (etc).

I don't have a lifelong struggle with that behavior but I've certainly done sh*tty things while being swayed by anger.

I've done some sh*tty things in general, even beyond high school. But I try not to absorb that into my identity. They're things I did but they don't reflect on my current state or my future.

I did sh*tty things but I am not currently a piece of sh*t. And you're not currently a piece of sh*t either.

Maybe you'll screw up again but
Start over and keep starting over.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:16:10 PM EST (GMT-5)
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:18:32 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:02:31 PM shakonomics wrote:
Snarf, is the nice part of you really a mask? Because you seem to care a lot about the bad things you said/did. If you were a really all around cruel person, you wouldn't be thinking about all this.
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:06:37 PM snarf wrote:
It feels like a mask because no matter how good I want to be I'm capable of unspeakable things.


Probably the majority of humans are capable of unspeakable things in some way or another.

It comes down to the choices you make and whether you're trying to make good choices. Even if you fail, try. That's all.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:22:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
I'll try even though I feel it's pointless. I'll be the best person I can be so maybe they'll just lock me up in a mental institution for the rest of my like instead of putting me on death row.

Extenuating circumstances and all that
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:32:21 PM EST (GMT-5)
Sorry for being so negative shak, I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it.

Just another example of me letting depressin win and not caring how it affects ithers.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:43:36 PM EST (GMT-5)
At least you read what I said. That's something.

I get that you're in negative mode so I wasn't expecting you to respond like, "ah, yes shak, now i've seen the light. you led me to salvation now i am pure i am like THE LAMB watch me walk on water and now i will turn some of your water into very nice very expensive wine absolutely free of charge how about i get you a few hundred bottles of this stuff here you go shak, here you go".

so, it's okay
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:47:44 PM EST (GMT-5)
Thanks.

I'll re-read this when I'm in a better mood so your good advice will sink in a little deeper.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:56:36 PM EST (GMT-5)
Another thing I'm having trouble accepting is missing my kids growing up. I know I should be grateful I get to see them for a few hours every week but that doesn't stop me from wanting more. I know it's for the best. Sometimes I can accept it, right now I'm having a hard time.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 1:58:26 PM EST (GMT-5)
I just wanted to be the best dad ever to my kids and I f*cked that up.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 2:04:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
I wore a T-shirt that said "Requires Constant Supervision " to my visit with the kids last week. The ex didn't say anything.
1 yr ago, 6 mos ago - Sunday 6/3/18 - 2:04:27 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:45:05 PM bgraham23 wrote:
Being alone is awesome! You can do whatever/whoever you want when you want!
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:47:24 PM Abzurd wrote:
and it takes only two weeks before someone finds your dead corpse.
On Sunday 6/3/18 - 12:53:33 PM bgraham23 wrote:
I’ve thought of that, but figure I will not care as I’ll be, you know, dead.

My sister died because we found her too late.

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