These past few weeks I have been doing a lot of reflection and recovery. It`s been dreary weather with on-and-off misting rain for weeks so every day after work when... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of Ahmed | mood: Good

Collecting my thoughts

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21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 5:14:43 AM EST (GMT-5)
These past few weeks I have been doing a lot of reflection and recovery. It's been dreary weather with on-and-off misting rain for weeks so every day after work when I sit on a covered porch and smoke it just kind of brings about a reflective mood.

For a while right after my depression suddenly ended I was just going nuts, getting f***** up on everything as much as I could in a mistaken attempt to relive what I believed I had missed out on during my teens and early twenties wasted years of just going to work and going home and going to work and going home. But that isn't really the way "everyone else" was and I'm glad I'm done with that.

And so even though my dad's been away for better part of a decade now and I haven't been feeling chronic depression since December I'm still only just now starting to process these things.

21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 5:15:52 AM EST (GMT-5)
For example I have some friends who I've known since I was young who I still see a few times a year during holidays. I've always been a dick to their dads for no reason - they let me into their homes and I'm a belligerent little shxt from 12-20 just because they were older men and fathers and I had so many issues with my own dad. And a few years ago and my good friend got married, during the weekend when we were getting all prepared I took his parents aside and just unloaded and threw a huge pity party about how bad my own life was going and instead of making it about his big day it became about my issues and that was a really shty thing to do. So for the past few afternoons I've been making some phone calls and trying to make amends for some of these bad things that I did in the past. "Apologizing to those I've harmed" except instead of alcoholism I'm recovering from depression.
21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 5:16:20 AM EST (GMT-5)

Other than that I've been having a really good time just chillin with frenz and being able to enjoy living after a lifetime of severe depression. I wouldn't trade the world for just watching reruns of workaholics with the guys.

... more than a year ago after my plans to move to Alaska fell through I settled on the idea of getting some kind of skill so I can make more money than just factory jobs and stuff, and while I was saving up for this and getting enrolled and you know it takes time (classes start in Jan!) The plan was to also kind of get established at the Masjid in the hopes that once I had started a career the older guys would be able to introduce me to some local girls. Because what I'm going to waste time with the tindr hoes gimme a break.
21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 5:16:36 AM EST (GMT-5)
But I don't think I'm going to do any of that at least not now - I'm just now enjoying the carefree bachelor days everyone reminisces about and growing and healing because I'm just now not spending all my time and energy hating myself.

And really I love this job. I come in in a good mood, I leave in a good mood, it's stress free. And if I don't need more money because I'm not going to be taking on dependents then why go anywhere? I don't need a serious relationship, I need me time. I think I'm going to complete my credential and then just sit on it and keep doing what I'm doing. Because I've really been through the kind of shxt case studies are written about.

Other than that, new CC album in November. Lol today is Halloween you don't even know when you start work one day and leave the next. No one's here but that's good just writing my thoughts down. I feel I'm growing as a person.
21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 8:54:44 AM EST (GMT-5)
Seems like a pretty good collection of thoughts...

What will be your credential, and how long of a road is it to completion? Nothing wrong with just sitting on it if you enjoy what you are doing- - if circumstances change, having a credential will likely provide you more flexibility.
21 days ago - Tuesday 10/31/17 - 9:02:24 AM EST (GMT-5)
Hey Ahmed. Its great to hear you’ve reached a place beyond the depression you suffered for that long. It can’t have been easy.
Do you sit down to put your socks on?

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