So really, don`t read this, because those things are "f*ck you". F*ck you for using me. F*ck you for treating my like sh*t. F*ck you for putting me in a... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of Kepi | mood: Good

I don`t mean to be a spam whore, but I`m being kept up by some thoughts circling around, and I have something I`ve gotta say to someone, but I don`t know her anymore, so I`m just writing them here.

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8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:29:31 PM EST (GMT-5)
So really, don't read this, because those things are "f*ck you". F*ck you for using me. F*ck you for treating my like sh*t. F*ck you for putting me in a position where I couldn't change things if I tried. F*ck you for eating my joy and leaving me with nothing but a big black hole in my soul that does nothing but consume and destroy. F*ck you for selling me out for the minor charms of a second rate city. F*ck you for not even trying. F*ck you for doing all the Goddamn things to me that I should have done to you, but didn't because even though you never had respect for me, I always had that and thensome for you. F*ck you for never listening. F*ck you for never really caring. F*ck you for every shy smile, every wasted breath, every wasted second and every half-hearted pleasantry. F*ckyouiveneverbeenableto forgivemyselfformovingonandistillhavenoc luewhatishouldadone.
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:33:21 PM EST (GMT-5)
F*ck you.
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:33:53 PM EST (GMT-5)
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:34:21 PM EST (GMT-5)

There there now

8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:36:17 PM EST (GMT-5)
Holy.
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:46:57 PM EST (GMT-5)
And for anyone wondering "why?" or blaming themselves or wondering what the f*ck is going on... I'll just say that it's 5 years to the day when I returned home, the insomnia stopped, and my life descended into perpetual living hell.
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:54:30 PM EST (GMT-5)
You never forgave yourself for moving on?
It sounds like you never moved on. Are you still looking for something just as magical, only something that doesn't turn to sh*t like that did?
8 yrs ago - Sunday 12/17/06 - 11:58:16 PM EST (GMT-5)
Looking for? No. Because I HAD joy before her. It was just all gone AFTER her... And I have never been able conjour, find, replinish or create it since... Not the real thing, anyways. Just the synthetic.

She wasn't the CAUSE of my joy, she was the death of it. And that's what I want back. I want my f*cking joy back. She could rot in the hell I don't believe in for all I care, but the bitch owes me my joy back with interest.

8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:01:12 AM EST (GMT-5)
I realized I didn't want to say that.
Sorry.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:01:41 AM EST (GMT-5)
Nothing you do to her could bring your joy back. But I guess you've thought about the whole situation a lot more than I ever have.
I'd say there's something you need to let go of, though.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:01:45 AM EST (GMT-5)
Say what?
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:02:49 AM EST (GMT-5)
This isn't a solution, it's just me being pissed off, half dead, and in despair.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:05:32 AM EST (GMT-5)
I know it's not a solution. But I don't come across a problem without wondering what the solution could be.
But I don't know half the problem, and you do. I can take vague stabs at the solution, but I've done that before, and on the whole it comes back to you having 5 years of thinking about it and having already gone over any suggestion I make.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:08:55 AM EST (GMT-5)
Yeah, dude. I'm sunk on this one. I mean, there's no acceptable solution that I can find. It just seeths and eats at me day in and day out... And it all comes to a head five years ago today. And I've pheonixed out of sh*t before, and I'm just to a point where I don't think I have the extra lives anymore.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:11:00 AM EST (GMT-5)
What makes this time so different?
What happened that's so insurmountable?
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:16:38 AM EST (GMT-5)
I think it was the insomnia, really. It f*cked me up really bad. So the damage control that I did, like, with my dad skitzing out... I couldn't do because I couldn't THINK straight. I mean, I had consistantly troubled sleep for an entire month... And I'm JUST NOW getting to the point where that's semi-regular again. To be honest... I just got hit so friggin' hard, and it's spread so friggin' wide that I've had trouble thinking for a long, long time.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:21:38 AM EST (GMT-5)

Are you seeing someone about these feelings?
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:22:10 AM EST (GMT-5)
Well, you're still holding onto it. You need to find a way to see the experience not as something that has led to your downfall, but as just another situation you've gotten yourself into, and out of.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:25:04 AM EST (GMT-5)
Crown royal + titties = no more drama

You can always fill the void, you've just got to find the plug that works for you.

8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:29:01 AM EST (GMT-5)
This why I'm glad to be single.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:29:59 AM EST (GMT-5)
On 12/18/2006 12:22:11 AM InstinctSage wrote:
Well, you're still holding onto it. You need to find a way to see the experience not as something that has led to your downfall, but as just another situation you've gotten yourself into, and out of.

It's... Not that simple. The relationship, I've moved on from. But the past five years of basically living on an emotional iron lung... All of it's a result of that. Every single last major life moment I've had SINCE then has been a result of having my joy killed, right down to taking a job (that I enjoy) to facilitate my Martian like sleep rhythem. So it's like... Terraforming. How much of this is Me, and how much of this is my all consuming black hole?

8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:33:52 AM EST (GMT-5)
On 12/18/2006 12:25:05 AM captaintito wrote:
Crown royal + titties = no more drama You can always fill the void, you've just got to find the plug that works for you.

After having almost put myself actually ONTO the otherside, instead of merely being a shell of what I once was via booze, getting hit in the head, and boozing THEN getting hit in the head... I'm telling you that the whole "plug" theory doesn't click with me.

On 12/18/2006 12:21:38 AM michrich wrote:
Are you seeing someone about these feelings?

Yes, no, maybe, sorta, but not really. I don't really DO well with counseling, and I'm a side-effect magnet when it comes to medication other than the "self" variety. So I have non-professionals that I talk to... But there's not much of a solution that they can offer. I'm an auto-initiative type of person. And I'm not starting up anymore. I dunno really what else can be said about it.

8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:34:12 AM EST (GMT-5)
You did what you wanted to do this whole time. You haven't become any more or less you than you than y could have doing anything else.
I'm not so much like I was 5 years ago either. What's important is not what "should be" or "could be" a part of you.

What parts of you do you like? Keep those. What parts of you do you not like? And what would you prefer? Work on changing those parts for the better. It's your life.

8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:38:08 AM EST (GMT-5)
Pffffttt... I've done everything in my power to AVOID doing what I've wanted to do for the past five years.
8 yrs ago - Monday 12/18/06 - 12:40:54 AM EST (GMT-5)
So that's what's got to change then, isn't it?
Start doing what you want to do, because you're a grown man with no real attachment anywhere. You need money to live, and that's about it. And you like your job, so that's a good bonus.
Every other aspect of your life is really open for whatever you like.

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