come in, lets talk about how i had a complete melt down saturday night, over NOTHING. :-D feel feel to tell me how stupid i am, how insane how am,... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of eggsandrice | mood: Good

you`re a piece of sh*t.

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1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 10:44:45 AM EST (GMT-5)
come in, lets talk about how i had a complete melt down saturday night, over NOTHING. feel feel to tell me how stupid i am, how insane how am, and how i am the living embodiment of a doofus.

so, saturday was rough for me. i was stressed out, studying for two tests on monday, my family was being very needy that day, the guy that i have been seeing was calling me every other hour. that was the first weekend we hadn't spent together, and we were both missing each other. on top of that, he went back home to visit fam and to attend his grandpa's funeral.

so overall, i was a mood.

i then go to the laundry mat to dry clothes, and i see this woman. slim, petite, nice lifted firm butt, wearing athletic attire. seems like she was in a good mood, dancing around the laundry mat, singing, snapping, helping other patrons. just living her best moment.

the minute i saw her,

1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 10:45:20 AM EST (GMT-5)
i immediately think: "if blake saw her, he would have a instant boner."

all of the insecurities that were nowhere near the surface, came surging up to the top. I was slathered in jealousy. over a woman i did not know, because i knew that the man who i am seeing, who isn’t even my boyfriend, who isn’t even in the CITY at the time, would be insanely attracted to her. she was everything he had said that he has dated and been attracted to, and suddenly i felt like the ugliest thing on the planet.

i’m fat, i have jelly rolls, i’m slightly taller than him, i’m asian, i don’t have any tattoos, i’ve never been outside of the country, i still live with my parents, i’m not so outgoing that i will randomly start doing the cha-cha in public, i can’t even hum along to a song without blushing in front of this man, WHY DOES HE WANT ME WHEN THIS BEAUTIFUL PERFECT CREATURE EXISTS FOR HIM.
1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 10:45:45 AM EST (GMT-5)
……so i go home. i try studying, i can’t. family and blake keeps interrupting. but its beginning to feel like blake is calling me because he’s bored, because he’s not saying anything. and now he’s talking about going salsa dancing. and i’m like….yeah….you’re gonna go to a salsa club, and have mind blowing sex with a puerto rican girl, who is all around better than me, so all around, just go. go blake. GO.

but i’m not telling him this. i’m just being regular, until I get irritated by him sounding distracted, that i tell him that i have to get off the phone, i need to study. he didn’t suspect a damn thing.

so i’m trying to study, not working. I decide to go to bed, wrong choice.
i’m crying at this point.
my pillow is soaked.
just felt so insecure, and lonely and unworthy, and i hated myself for feeling so vulnerable, which made me cry harder. i sat in that bed for 4 hours
1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 10:46:25 AM EST (GMT-5)
and cried and cried and cried.

i’m usually very confident. i was a very insecure teenager, and i learned how to love myself. i’m not perfect though. i’ve been through a lot, especially with men. I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone, or even with myself. Because…’s uncomfortable for me. I don’t want to ponder on all the time that has been lost, and the choices i have made. i take responsibility for them, can’t blame anyone but myself, i recognize this, i’m moving on, and that’s that.

but what really struck me…..was how easily all of this bs came out.
i haven’t felt this way about a man in about 10 years. i can see myself falling in love with him. i can see old me, still with him. he’s not a fluke for me, even though he’s leaving the country in a few months, lol.

he makes me feel insecure, because i am feeling things, and when you feel things, it makes you
1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 10:47:10 AM EST (GMT-5)
vulnerable every moment i am with him. i don’t know how to process this.

so….i’m okay.
but saturday really shocked me, and i’m considering maybe talking to someone. maybe i have some deeper issues than i had thought. because saturday was not normal.

meanwhile, blake is just super excited about v-day. can barely contain it, and i’m wondering if I should get psych evaluated.
1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 11:50:50 AM EST (GMT-5)
Well you know what...he is calling. You are not the girl sitting at home, desperately waiting on the phone to ring. He is excited about V-Day...he is into you. So don't be doubting that.

What you describe almost sounds like you were just having a mood...maybe a hormonal mood? It is pretty normal sounding to me. However, I think you could do the things that make you feel more confident when you feel like this. Would it make you feel better to pamper yourself? Spend some extra time on skin care. Do your hair nice? I don't know what it would be for you personally but a little lift me up would do you wonders.
1 month ago - Tuesday 2/11/20 - 5:45:40 PM EST (GMT-5)
Oh, man, that is me right now.
The guy that I have been seeing religiously for the last month told me last night that this girl he's had a crush on at work, that never gave him the time of day, suddenly started flirting with him. I laughed it off and was like 'oh you know, that's that industry life for you.' I mean, I get it. He's this adorable, sweet guy and now that hes in a relationship, I think she's into that. And he told me not to worry because he's all about me, but while he's at work right now, I am at home STRUGGLING with all these emotions.

But I'm crazy though, so there's that.

You should take Damsel's advice and just make yourself feel good. Pampering, eating something tasty, working out, listening to some good ass music. That may help.

I hope you feel better.
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 12:34:25 PM EST (GMT-5)
i think i know what it is.
guess what showed up on thursday.
so i was basically having a hormonal freak out, and didn't even realize it. it was just amplifying the small feelings i had underneath.
this whole having a uterus thing is.......

i mean....i still feel feel a level of insecurity, especially when he mentions hot latina women, but i'm over it. it's something i'm just gonna have to work on. i can't be perfect!
i told him about it, and i think he found it cute, because he started laughing hysterically.
i think he feels the same way, because every time my phone dings he goes, 'oh, your bitches are calling you.' or 'your hoes in different area codes are blowing up your phone.'
so i think he feels it too.

anyway, i had the best valentines weekend. i will never forget this for as long as i live.

pics to follow!
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 12:41:29 PM EST (GMT-5)

Hints to a Valentines day scavenger hunt

my camera is trash, but thats chocolate covered strawberries, cheeses, and grapes.
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 12:44:06 PM EST (GMT-5)
when i walked in, he had michael bublee's la vie en rose playing.

also, i think he spent a small fortune in flowers. that morning, he sent a huge bouquet to my house, then when he picked me up, he gave me a rose, and then when we got to his place, there were flowers.
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 12:46:01 PM EST (GMT-5)
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 2:26:41 PM EST (GMT-5)
All guys look at hot Latina women. All.

Very few guys will put that kind of effort into a holiday. Any guy who does, is absolutely insanely crazy in love with the woman he does it for.
1 month ago - Monday 2/17/20 - 2:48:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
OMG that V-Day, though. He knocked it out of the park. It's a shame AF had to make a V-Day appearance as well...

I think a little bit of the green monster is healthy for each of you. I think it is cute he laughed about it. But he clearly is VERY into you.

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