Hi. Missed you guys. I`m a wrecK. With a hard K. I have been working really hard on myself this year. That`s all I really do is go to meetings.... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of EhFahQ | mood: Good

Hi. It`s been 226 days

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2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 9:57:16 AM EST (GMT-5)
Hi.

Missed you guys. I'm a wrecK. With a hard K.

I have been working really hard on myself this year. That's all I really do is go to meetings. Group therapy. CODA. Doctors appointments. Trying to keep food down because I am so skinny I can barely function.

This week was really bad. I moved in with my pops in April or March because he can't afford the mortgage so I bought half the house. We had a roommate. His name was Dave.

Dave liked to drink and smoke and sit in a shed and be sad. I totally understand that because I was pretty much there for a long time. Except the shed part.

On Saturday he went into his room and took his life. I'm not mad about it because I understand suicide. I get that people do get angry.

This all really hurts. I had to step up and take care of everything because my pops cant handle it. So I cry away from him. He had to find the body and that's hard enough

2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 9:59:07 AM EST (GMT-5)
I went to Seattle last weekend for my 40th birthday. The anniversy of my best friends passing. I was so drunk for so long I never grieved. It was also my 8 months sober day. 2 months since I hurt myself

Im about to start grief therapy soon for him, my brother and my animals I have lost. So I guess its good
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:00:04 AM EST (GMT-5)
you are strong. Hope things take a turn for the better soon.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:00:17 AM EST (GMT-5)
My girlfriend and I cleaned up Dave's room so his kids didn't have to walk into a room full of blood. It wasn't easy. She did most of it because she was isolated. She's a saint.

I love her. I just havn't told her yet. I really need to.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:03:02 AM EST (GMT-5)
I could have ended up just like him if I didn't finally take care of myself this year. All I have been doing is working on my mental health. And supporting other people.

I was in a different realtionship before this one. It was really really healthy. The healthiest one.

She couldn't handle what I was going through and I understand that because I am a f*cking mess upstairs. We ended it very matruly and talked and cried. it made me feel like I can never be loved because of the way I am.

im lucky to have meet somebody in one of my meetings that I was already really close too. She has already seen me at my lowest and understand that im not mentally stable.

i just hope i dont f*ck things up again
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:04:43 AM EST (GMT-5)
i missed you guys but i needed to isolate myself for many reasons. Past stuff really takes me to a bad place. But I have been doing DBT therapy to work on my strong emotional reactions to everything. to learn to cope.

im working on my very low sense of self worth. its hardly there even though logically I know im a good person with good things going for me. but I still hate myself. I still want to hit myself. I want to starve myself and jump into the water and hold my breath until I cant anymore
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:06:40 AM EST (GMT-5)
ive been crying all morning and lost and confused and i wanted to post here because this place was always safe for me.

and i will probably disapear again. but i wont be gone. I wont do what Dave did because i haven't been that low in a long time.

i wont be drunk in a shed. i wont ignore my loved ones because i hate myself.

I will continue to show gratitude to the people close to me. The few I have left.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:10:34 AM EST (GMT-5)
I have a few really close friends I meet in group therapy. One of them is my mentor and I finally told her that. She said the same to me. Which was eye opening. How some how with all my issues I still get up and go to work and take care of my pops and the house and my dog. How I still write everyday and make art and do all the things.

i dont know how i do it. I just do it. Even though I want to sleep and not wake up most days.

Cassie needs food. Pops needs me. My mom worries. My few friends want me to smile. My girlfriend wants me to laugh and cook together and help save animals.

The other day there was a dog running down the street and we chased it for 2 miles. Nobody else tried to help us at all. We couldnt get the pup. She was disappointed in people. I reminded here there are other people just like us out there and they will find the dog.

Hope.

I have little but I find it
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:12:55 AM EST (GMT-5)
I still can't play music. I try sometimes but it always hurts. I lost all my bandmates and the people i wanted to play with.

I stare at my piano everyday. i know im wasting time and missing notes I could put together but es ok.

I started doing photography. I really enjoy it so much. I print pictures and give them to people. it makes me happy.

I take pictures of the sky, the ground and shadows. Of places I am always at. Fleeting moments that disapear so quickly.

just try to capture them.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:16:58 AM EST (GMT-5)

2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:17:36 AM EST (GMT-5)

2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:18:34 AM EST (GMT-5)

2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:23:44 AM EST (GMT-5)
I admire your strength.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:25:20 AM EST (GMT-5)
I have another doctors appointment soon. Well one with a psychologist. My girlfriend goes to the same one. She said he dressed like Bret Michaels and even wears the bandana on his head. I guess he is really cool. I just dont want to be on pills.

I honestly have gotten as far as I think I can go in my therapy and groups and I need meds. I hope it doesn't make me go crazy though. That sh*t scares me.

Then the big thing. There is a possibility that I have Polycythemia vera. I have put off going to the oncologist for awhile because yeah im scared and I have been drunk and just trying to live. And there is no cure so i wasn't in a hurry to be extra afraid of things. Thats a slow growing blood cancer. So yeah even more on my plate.

Good news time:

With Dave passing away I we have an open room. I am turning it into my office/work room.......and.....I get my cat back!

Suds is coming home.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:27:50 AM EST (GMT-5)
On Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:23:44 AM CuckingFunt wrote:
I admire your strength.


2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:28:40 AM EST (GMT-5)

2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:33:04 AM EST (GMT-5)
I feel like im going to f&ck everything up and that im not worthy of love or happiness and i need to get over all of that.

slow im but days like this are just hard.



2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 10:41:39 AM EST (GMT-5)
This is my friend Bryan. He is an amazing artist and I haven't seen him in years. He lives in Seattle. I was supposed to go there with my ex girlfriend but we broke up so I went solo. We spent most of a day together and went to the space needle. We didn't plan to dress the same hahaha! I'm going to his wedding soon. I'm so happy he found the one.



2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 11:35:33 AM EST (GMT-5)
Understood that taking care of yourself is more important than yt. Been there before.

Seattle is amazing. Love the museum next to the needle and the hole in the wall bar under the bridge about a half mile away.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 12:33:22 PM EST (GMT-5)
Sorry to hear about Dave, and I'm glad you're in a better place. Maybe not quite where you want to be but open to help and love.

Stay strong, you're doing so well
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:07:21 PM EST (GMT-5)
If all the stuff that has happened over the last couple years hasn't stopped me, I don't think anything can. Unless I lose Cassie. Then I will be in major trouble.

Thank you for reading and saying words to me. I does help. I have missed many of you.




2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:20:09 PM EST (GMT-5)
Haha that wink
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:29:07 PM EST (GMT-5)
if it helps any, you arent the same person you hate so much. I remember that dude and if you was still him id still not like you too. But this guy though, hes going places

Keep killin it, because you totally f*ckin are even if the world still sh*ts on you sometimes
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:29:38 PM EST (GMT-5)
I say that picture is her drunk with underwear on her head. Like some revenge of the nerds frat type thing.
2 months ago - Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:33:59 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Wednesday 10/9/19 - 1:20:09 PM HylianNinja wrote:
Haha that wink

Yeah, that's awesome! What a ham

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