I was sitting in my first class this morning and all of the sudden I got this intense burst of depression, worse than I`ve felt in many months, maybe even... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of Hael | mood: Depressed

Random intense depression today

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21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:18:47 PM EST (GMT-5)
I was sitting in my first class this morning and all of the sudden I got this intense burst of depression, worse than I've felt in many months, maybe even years. It had no connection to anything that was going on in my class or my life but all I could think about was wanting to die.

I thought it might be related to getting drunk last Friday for the first time in months. Like I've heard people who do a lot of ecstasy on weekends will feel like sh*t the next Tuesday due to something with the brain chemicals. Maybe this is something similar? Tho I've never felt it before. It took so much effort to stay thru the end of my class, and then the hour before my next class, and then that one.

But the teacher of my only class tomorrow sent an email saying she has to cancel class because her daughter was sick. At first some people thought it was an April Fools thing but apparently it's real.

21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:22:09 PM EST (GMT-5)
And I finally learned that she is from Spain. I missed the first class and have been trying to place her accent all semester. I could tell it was a Romance language but at times it seemed like French, at times like Spanish, and at times like Italian. And her name was no help (her last name is Franch... that's not a typo). I'm a bit embarrassed because I had a Spanish teacher thru all of high school who was from Spain and now that I think of it sounded somewhat similar. Also I dated that Portuguese girl and that's basically Spanish so I should have been more attuned to that kind of accent...

But anyway, I'm drinking again tonight to celebrate. And also as an experiment. Let's see how sh*tty I feel on Thursday. And also because last time I was drunk I magically summoned Holly back to YT (well, like 12 hours later...). Let's see if I can get her to comment in my journal this time!
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:27:24 PM EST (GMT-5)
A sequel to a photo in my my previous journal:


And Duolingo Norwegian has some weird sentences:



And some tough truths:






21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:28:51 PM EST (GMT-5)
Tuesday Suicide/Blue Tuesday is definitely a thing with MDMA. But it's because ecstasy releases a flood of serotonin while you're using it, and when you come down, that's basically serotonin withdrawal. I don't think alcohol would have the *same* effect just because of mechanism of action, but it wouldn't be that surprising for you to feel down a few days after getting drunk for the first time in months. I mean it's all still brain chemicals, and yours are kinda f*cky to begin with so who knows.
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:31:43 PM EST (GMT-5)
I also thought it might be because Friday reminded me what being happy actually felt like and I realized I hadn't experienced it since I stopped drinking. So that my life without chemicals is doomed to be painfully blah.

(Also now that Buddy is taking suggestions I almost want the length of posts to be increased, at least for the initial post, so that I don't have to break it up into multiple and have people comment before I finish them, but then I suspect I'll end up reading fewer posts because they're too long...)
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 9:38:36 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Monday 4/1/19 - 9:28:51 PM birdsong4j wrote:
Tuesday Suicide/Blue Tuesday is definitely a thing with MDMA. But it's because ecstasy releases a flood of serotonin while you're using it, and when you come down, that's basically serotonin withdrawal. I don't think alcohol would have the *same* effect just because of mechanism of action, but it wouldn't be that surprising for you to feel down a few days after getting drunk for the first time in months. I mean it's all still brain chemicals, and yours are kinda f*cky to begin with so who knows.

Any relationship with the New Order song Blue Monday? Is Tuesday Monday when converted to metric?
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 10:26:51 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Monday 4/1/19 - 9:38:36 PM Hael wrote:
Any relationship with the New Order song Blue Monday? Is Tuesday Monday when converted to metric?

I doubt it. I mean it's a New Order song, not a Joy Division song.
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 10:33:43 PM EST (GMT-5)
Well yeah New Order seems like the music of people that party hard on weekends and then feel like sh*t the rest of the week whereas in Joy Division they just felt like sh*t constantly. I mean the happiest sounding Joy Division songs I can think of are Love Will Tear Us Apart and Isolation and the titles tell you all you need to know about how happy they are. (Or were you just making a joke based on the name 'Joy Division'?)

And sidenote, how could anyone listen thru Closer and not think "ok this guy is going to kill himself"? It's sort of like how the Elliott Smith
"A Fond Farewell" to me is so clearly about himself.
21 days ago - Monday 4/1/19 - 10:34:23 PM EST (GMT-5)
"I see you're leaving me and taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right"

I mean isn't that basically a suicide note? I mean I guess hindsight is 20/20 and all... (an expression I always hated)
21 days ago - Tuesday 4/2/19 - 12:22:36 AM EST (GMT-5)
Yes, but many artists just release their pain in the and might feel better IRL.

I tend to get worse depression after alcohol. I don't get the mdma/ecstasy crash for some reason. Maybe it's that I am depressed all the time anyway so serotonin drops feel normal?
21 days ago - Tuesday 4/2/19 - 12:36:18 AM EST (GMT-5)
Well I suspect most models of depression are based on a small number of subjects so they don't really apply to the majority of sufferers. Now the first lines of the song I quoted above seem appropriate:
"The lite-brite's now black and white
Cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right"
(Assuming they have lite-brites in Canda so you know what I'm talking about...)
21 days ago - Tuesday 4/2/19 - 3:44:37 AM EST (GMT-5)
Lol Romance language.

Lol the Norwegian app seems to know Norwegians really well.

Can't contribute to the alcohol/drugs discussions taking place.
Both are bad, don't do them.
21 days ago - Tuesday 4/2/19 - 3:56:52 AM EST (GMT-5)
Well you know what they say, we norwegians are a philosophical people.

Or not, maybe our winter depression has an impact on duolingo?
21 days ago - Tuesday 4/2/19 - 1:08:09 PM EST (GMT-5)
mdma/ecstasy doesn’t affect people using some serotonin regulating medecine.



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