I never really `quit`, I just quit drinking when I`m around family members because it got to the point where 4-5 hours after I drank I started feeling intense anxiety... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of Hael | mood: Good

Drinking for the first time in... 8 months?

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24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:42:50 PM EST (GMT-5)
I never really 'quit', I just quit drinking when I'm around family members because it got to the point where 4-5 hours after I drank I started feeling intense anxiety and even really bad pain. I wasn't sure if it was because of the drinking, or because of anxiety from my family's disapproval, so that's what I'm testing tonight. And it's mango flavored vodka, so how could I resist?

So I'm still supposed to email the professor who interviewed me about that internship a few weeks ago with examples of websites that I programmed, but I haven't gotten around to it because the only 2 that are still up aren't really that impressive.

Also, my midterm exams did not go great. I think I did well on my programming class exam Wednesday since that's my specialty, but I got a B in Remote Sensing and a C+ in GIS and I'm really not happy about those.

24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:45:49 PM EST (GMT-5)
I think I want to try ketamine. I read an article about how it's really helpful for some people with depression who have been resistant to every other treatment. One of the women quoted in the article talked about taking a lot of different medications and having more than a dozen ECT treatments that had no effect, but once she was given ketamine it immediately changed everything. Since I'm in that same situation, maybe it will help me too.

My psychiatrist gave me a referral for a neuro-psych evaluation to try to figure out my severe memory problems and told me to give it to my primary care provider. I saw him last week and gave it to him and he looked at it and said 'interesting' and gave it back. I don't know wha tI'm supposed to do now.

A sticker i saw on a car:
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:45:54 PM EST (GMT-5)
i'm drinking for the first time in 6 days hi
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:46:15 PM EST (GMT-5)
wait i drank on monday at my book group
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:47:46 PM EST (GMT-5)
Sh*t I hate books but I definitely would join a book group if they gave me alcohol.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:59:14 PM EST (GMT-5)
OK there are a lot of old YTers that I miss and wonder about, but lately the one I think about most is Holly_Bolly. Does anyone know what she's been up to? I know she had a severe condition and wasn't expected to live long. I read her last journal here and I think I found her website and I'm considering sending her a message thru tit but I don't want to go all 'tric and be a creepy stalker. Thoughts?
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 7:59:32 PM EST (GMT-5)
Haha, I said tit.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:05:08 PM EST (GMT-5)
i saw a thing from her recently on imgur about how she wants to die
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:07:14 PM EST (GMT-5)
Oh sh*t. That's not great. So if I want to talk to her again I should probably do it soon I guess.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:08:23 PM EST (GMT-5)
yeah
here it is
i guess it's ok to post it because she already posted it on a vastly more public site than yt https://imgur.com/gallery/2xZCpwa
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:10:39 PM EST (GMT-5)
i remember when she was just a silly noob annoying sammy who was a mod back thenq
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:15:54 PM EST (GMT-5)
All the warnings I ever got were from Sammy. She stopped being a mod?

I had forgotten how close I was with holly until I went thru my old journals. Pretty much all I remembered was making asshole jokes about her not being able to walk, which she always took with grace.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:19:03 PM EST (GMT-5)
i guess people with disabilities enjoy people who can joke with them rather than treating them with paper gloves
i'm so inspired by her reading her stuff
she gave life so much.was so much more ambitious and successful than i ever have been, or ever will be
if she wants to check out now i honestly can't say she shouldn't
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:21:44 PM EST (GMT-5)
drat
this is why i should never talk to or about suicidal people
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:22:16 PM EST (GMT-5)
Oh I definitely agree. She was always, and I'm sure still is, a much stronger person than I am. It's part of life's sick joke that she was born with such a powerful strength of character but such a week body, and I'm the opposite. She definitely should be allowed to end her suffering.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:27:21 PM EST (GMT-5)
Socio ran across her story when it went viral a while back on boredpanda. I was never close with her, but of course remembered her from around here, and that she had MD. It was still really shocking to see how far her condition had deteriorated.
Can't really do much to help the fight to legalize assisted dying in Aus, but I'm totally with you guys that she should have the right to make that decision.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:29:21 PM EST (GMT-5)
i didn't post or anything
i just felt bad
ftr i hope she killed herself tbh
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:30:24 PM EST (GMT-5)
I hope she's still around to get my email telling her how much she meant to me and how I'm sorry for making light of her disability. And then I hope she does whatever she needs to end the suffering.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:30:37 PM EST (GMT-5)
No, she has an insta that's still active. It's linked in the imgur post.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:31:55 PM EST (GMT-5)
I feel like I have so many more apologies to make. I don't remember how I stopped talking to any of my old friends from here (or elsewhere) but I assume it's because of something sh*tty I did or said. I'm afraid to try to contact any of them now because I don't know if I did something so horrible that they don't want to hear from me again.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:32:39 PM EST (GMT-5)
the thing is is it hooray she lived another day or is it this is another day she's not allowed to die'
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:53:06 PM EST (GMT-5)
hael youre good i like you
i have too much wine within me to
but you're ok

a tall ginger sincere glimmering boy
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 8:57:59 PM EST (GMT-5)
Hm what about my various other close friends from here? Emma (emmaisl.)? Anna (amorewar, you can even see the first photo I ever sent someone online in her photos section from when I was 14 and had a sh*tty webcame)?, Blink? Velcro? Idea4amovie? RancidChick? Oh what about Flutter? God I loved her.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 9:01:22 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Friday 3/29/19 - 8:53:06 PM skyfish wrote:
hael youre good i like you i have too much wine within me to but you're ok a tall ginger sincere glimmering boy

Haha that's kind. I have a ton of vodka in me so I can relate a bit. I don't remember too much of our time before I returned but I know you're responsible for a lot of my taste in music and some of my taste in movies too, I think. I wish I could remember Montreal but I really can't. I hope that's because of brain damage and not psychological repression because of something horrible you did to me...

And I'm not a ginger. I'm a daywalker. But I am pretty tall. I wish I were 2.75 inches taller, tho, so I could be exactly 2 m tall and make converting much easier.
24 days ago - Friday 3/29/19 - 9:06:57 PM EST (GMT-5)
I looked into ketamine treatments and it's like $2000-$6000 A MONTH right now.

I'd buy it off the street but I don't ever run into it.

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