About two weeks ago my daughter brought home a progress report. She went from 4 A`s and 3 B`s to 6 A`s and a B. I was very pleased and... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of snarf | mood: Good

My son`s first big screw up.

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16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:23:13 PM EST (GMT-5)
About two weeks ago my daughter brought home a progress report. She went from 4 A's and 3 B's to 6 A's and a B. I was very pleased and proud. I asked my son "R" where his was. He said "6th graders get progress reports, 8th grade just gets a report card at the end of the semester.

This morning I get a text from my ex. "Unfortunately I have been misinformed by R about his recent performance in algebra. He currently has an F"

He had to get her to sign the progress report today or he would have been in detention this afternoon.

I'm not upset about algebra. I know if he applies himself he can get a passing grade no problem .What upsets me is that he lied to both of us .I understand the 14 year old mind He was embarrassed and didn't want to let us down and thought he could bring the grade up to passing by the end of the semester .

16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:25:25 PM EST (GMT-5)
I remember being 14 (believe it or not). It's a pretty f*cked up age.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:29:47 PM EST (GMT-5)
I've been thinking of things to say all day. Number one on my list is that character is not doing the right thing .Character is doing the right thing when it's hard .I want to remind him his father is a Marine and Semper Fidelis is how I expect him to live his life too. I want him to put in his own words why he did what he did .I want him to explain why he thinks he couldn't come to us with the truth . I want him to say what he thinks an appropriate punishment should be .

I want to share with him lies and cover UPS and how they hurt people .Both and public examples and in personal examples .

I want him to learn from this and grow .

I don't want something worse than a damn F on an algebra report to happen .I want him to come to me or his mother if hes in trouble .

16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:33:43 PM EST (GMT-5)
The only good thing about to day was that I didn't have to be in the lab I was outside listening to the music on the speakers I bought for quitting smoking .

I cleaned 2 of the clarifiers. Good hard physical labor to keep my body occupied while I thought about what I need to say.

Thank God I wasn't in the lab where I have to concentrate
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:37:58 PM EST (GMT-5)
I started letting my grades drop around that age and my parents reacted by ruining my social life (long periods of grounding) and taking me out of extracurricular activities (soccer and choir). This had a devastating effect on my development. Not saying you should never ground him...but never do it for multiple months at a time.

My best advice is to try to find out what inspires him, what interests him and try to get him heading in that direction. Find out what he doesn't like about his math class, try to give a big reward if he improves his grade in it.

Back when I was that age, I know I had trouble seeing past my teenage years. School wasn't relevant to me because I didn't have a concept of living past age 18, I had unrealistic ideas about how the world worked (I thought getting a job was easier than it is).

16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:38:08 PM EST (GMT-5)
Two things helped get me out of the delinquent phase:

1. losing my bad group of friends (this wasn't accomplished by my parents grounding me for excessive periods of time. this happened because my friends got expelled, put into institutions, or they moved away). If he's involved with a bad crowd, that's a tough one to solve. I would discourage those friendships (even though the kids will totally go behind your back to be in them)...but encourage socializing with other kids. When I was in school, the father of one of my friends went as far as to tell the principal to keep us apart. It was too difficult for the school to enforce. We still met as much as we could at school.

2. I started following a passion and realized I needed a college degree for it.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:44:04 PM EST (GMT-5)
If you knew him you would know how devastating this is .Both my kids are damn good .Of course I'm going to say that but it's true .He has broke off friendships because he could sense it was a bad kid without having to be told .

Hey used to love math he just can't get algebra to click in. his brain.

Hey used to talk about being a scientist or an engineer . That talk stopped once he started algebra .The crazy thing is 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to be a pastor .And no I'm not going to use Bible examples when I talk to him because religion is bullpoo and I want to discourage that career choice In my passive aggressive style .

I really don't have much say in the punishment because I am non custodial . I am going to take his allowance for the next 3 months and make him give it to charity .
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:45:20 PM EST (GMT-5)
If I think her punishment is excessive I will say something but she is very strong willed so I doubt it will do any good
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:46:11 PM EST (GMT-5)
Sorry for all the typos doing voice to text and forgetting to proofread
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:46:37 PM EST (GMT-5)
I used to be great at math and then I had a terrible teacher when algebra came along and did terribly

then the next teacher I had I was making As again


not saying it’s necessarily the teacher’s fault, but this has happened several times with me over the course of my life once in middle school and then again in college where I had a teacher who just wasn’t doing it for me
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:47:10 PM EST (GMT-5)
I think you're right on that the problem isn't that he's doing poorly, but that he felt he should lie about it.

I think my mom would have sat me down and had a heart to heart about why I lied about it and what made me think she would react poorly to a bad grade. And then correcting that assumption by explaining that grades are not what's important, kindness, trustworthiness, and personal responsibility are.

I would have probably been punished, not for the grade but for the lie.

She would always ground me for a usually reasonable amount of time (sometimes not), but then after like, two days she'd decide not to anymore.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:48:59 PM EST (GMT-5)
I had the same thing happen to me. My algebra one teacher left because she got pregnant and then I was put in another class and I couldn't get her teaching style. I took algebra 23 times and failed each time .They refused to switch teachers for me because the teacher was the head of department so obviously she was the best one they had and I was just a stupid poo.She was a good teacher for most kids just not for me
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 5:50:18 PM EST (GMT-5)
Spoon the lie is what has me and my ex upset not the grade I feel exactly the way you do about it .

I don't have to worry about my ex lifting punishment early that's not her style
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 6:17:05 PM EST (GMT-5)
There's so much going on when you're a teenager, school just seems to be in the way.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 6:22:18 PM EST (GMT-5)
Plus I think he has my problem so much poo comes easy to me when it's a challenge I don't like it so I avoid it and pretend it isn't there
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 7:53:57 PM EST (GMT-5)
It's a relatively minor screw up in the scene of things- it's important you are setting the foundation for potentially bigger mistakes later on! Knowing that they can come to parents with anything is a huge step!

16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 7:57:45 PM EST (GMT-5)
That's what I want both of them to get out of this is that they should come to us . I'm glad hes learning this lesson with something that doesn't have terrible consequences later in life and I hope his sister learns from his mistake
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 8:01:28 PM EST (GMT-5)
I'm sure he will- especially because you're so on top of it.

It makes me sad for kids who feel they have to hide stuff from their parents for whatever reason because it only gets worse from there when the screw ups get bigger.
I was a good kid but there was a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of- if parents aren't with it it can be so easy to miss.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 8:06:08 PM EST (GMT-5)
I'm sure there will be things I won't find out until 20 years later
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 8:10:16 PM EST (GMT-5)
But I want this to go from bad to good I don't give a poo about the algebra score it's the lying and not wanting to admit That he had failed .

I guess this is why people used to use a belt on their kids. It's a lot easier to just hit them rather than trying to figure out put the desire dor change in them.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 8:25:22 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Wednesday 11/29/17 - 8:06:08 PM snarf wrote:
I'm sure there will be things I won't find out until 20 years later

Oh totally. Kids need privacy in order to develop independence as well.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 9:10:50 PM EST (GMT-5)
When I think about the treacherous way I walked home from high school was, I get shivers.
Not only did I cut through a secluded forest, I had to walk on a mossy log over a fast flowing river carrying a heavy school bag full of books.
Never entered my head how dangerous it was until my son wanted me to stop picking him up and walk home on his own.
16 days ago - Wednesday 11/29/17 - 10:13:31 PM EST (GMT-5)
I started lying excessively to my parents when I learned that I didn't have anything to gain from telling them the truth. Or at least, that's what I thought.

I still am dealing with those internalized lessons. Teach him that you trust him, that you love him unconditionally and that you will be his biggest advocate. And then actually do it. It's so hard to learn how to react to positive achievements more than negative achievements, even with my siblings I struggle to not just tell at them like my parents do.

It's weird to see you post and imagine ny dad feeling this scared about my lying. I can tell your hearts in the right place. Good luck, snarf.
16 days ago - Thursday 11/30/17 - 1:30:35 AM EST (GMT-5)
I was fine until pre-calc. My problem there was it was my first class and i’ve Always been a night owl. That and with an unstable home life I was up in my room until late and i’d Just fall asleep in pre calc. Couldn’t help it.
Then in college finite math drated me hard.

16 days ago - Thursday 11/30/17 - 1:34:08 AM EST (GMT-5)
Also I wouldn’t push the Marine thing unless he is interested in serving. You life choice shouldn’t dictate his responses.

I would work on establishing even greater trust and opening communication. Let him know that there is no need for embarrassment as we all run up against things we might need help with. Also instill that lying to escape problems will only compound things.

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