Fangirl warning... XD Sorry if you`ve seen this thread before, just trying to get as many opinions as possible... Alright, so I`ve written a song for someone for their birthday... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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Lyrics advice...?

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3 months ago - Friday 8/11/17 - 7:27:26 PM EST (GMT-5)
Fangirl warning... XD

Sorry if you've seen this thread before, just trying to get as many opinions as possible...

Alright, so I've written a song for someone for their birthday and it has to be sent (via post) asap. It happens to be for a member of a famous k-pop group (I'm a bit of a fangirl, please dont judge) so it needs at least 2 weeks to ship- hence my urgency...

The song is basically about how even though I'm an international fan on the other side of the world, they've affected my life in so many positive ways.

So my question is: do you think I should keep my lyrics is 1st person (I, me, we), or narrate somewhat like Sara Bareilles' "she used to be mine," but am actually still talking about myself...? Here's the final verse and bridge to compare...
3 months ago - Friday 8/11/17 - 7:27:38 PM EST (GMT-5)
1st person POV:
[V3]
I know I must sound naive
for stirring up such foolish dreams,
I mean, cmon...
You're on the other side of the world.
I just wish that you could see
the crazy things you do to me
It's unreal, the things I feel for you.
[BR]
Your smile, it gives me life
and your laugh's how I survive
When I fall down, you're there to help me up.
So this is me, I'm thanking you
for all the things you've helped me through
I'm just one girl, across the world,
but I love you.
3 months ago - Friday 8/11/17 - 7:27:58 PM EST (GMT-5)
However, if I were to do it in 3rd person, I'd keep the end of the bridge the same- to show that it was myself I was talking about. Like this...

3rd person POV:
[V3]
She knows that she seems naive
for stirring up such foolish dreams,
I mean, cmon...
You're on the other side of the world.
She just wishes you could see,
just how much your love would set her free-
It's unreal, the things she feels for you.
[BR]
Your smile, it gives her life
and your laugh's how she survives
When she falls down, you're there to help her up.
she is me, and I'm thanking you
for all the things you've helped me through
I'm just one girl, across the world,
but I love you.
3 months ago - Friday 8/11/17 - 7:28:28 PM EST (GMT-5)
this is only a small bit of the whole song, I can post the rest of the lyrics for critique if you guys think it's needed. Please be honest, especially if you think he wont like it...
(It's for Jeon Jungkook, if anyone is familiar with BTS)

ooookay... thoughts? thank you!!
3 months ago - Friday 8/11/17 - 7:30:10 PM EST (GMT-5)
I realize the vibe of the song may feel different overall without the rest of the lyrics, so here's the 1st verse and Chorus...

[V1]
Foreign states,
Separate fates,
That's what we are
I tell myself
Keep listening
and yet, you're so far.
[PreCH]
This fantasy, of you with me
There's no escaping now.
So many things that can never be
But I refuse to back down.
[CH]
So i'll keep fighting, and trying
won't let you go,
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans
Just to let you know
that even though you've never seen my face,
or heard my name-
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same.
___________

Does that help, or make it worse..?
3 months ago - Saturday 8/12/17 - 9:00:26 AM EST (GMT-5)
It just sounds like you want to screw him
So the only advice I have is to sound less like you just want to screw him

Maybe write him a letter about how he has actually affected your life?
3 months ago - Sunday 8/13/17 - 11:44:57 AM EST (GMT-5)
On Saturday 8/12/17 - 9:00:26 AM hamletsghost wrote:
It just sounds like you want to screw him So the only advice I have is to sound less like you just want to screw him Maybe write him a letter about how he has actually affected your life?


I gave this advice already two days ago, lol.
3 months ago - Sunday 8/13/17 - 11:56:39 AM EST (GMT-5)
Ok first it was cute but I'm not gonna read 5 posts of lyrics cuz you deleted the last one and I never got to see the rest of the replies
3 months ago - Sunday 8/13/17 - 1:01:14 PM EST (GMT-5)
On Sunday 8/13/17 - 11:56:39 AM Brockgurl86 wrote:
Ok first it was cute but I'm not gonna read 5 posts of lyrics cuz you deleted the last one and I never got to see the rest of the replies

It's still up...
3 months ago - Thursday 8/17/17 - 8:49:17 PM EST (GMT-5)
Update: I rewrote the verses and shortened them to only 2.
A tiny bit of personal BG info:
these past two years I've been working through some pretty tough depression, social anxiety, etc. and k-pop (specifically this Idol and the group he's a part of) have really helped me cope.

[V1]
You can see it plainly on my face
I've been living in a dark, dark place
The seas are rough,
The water's black as night...
But there's the whisper of a melody
A song that calms my raging seas
A song from you
Saying hey- you'll be alright

PC // CH

[V2]
I just wish that you could see
The way that you have set me free
It's because of you
That I am here today

But the thing that hurts the most
is knowing I am nowhere close
A world away
And yet, not far at all

PC // CH // BR // CH
__________
Question: the two sections of
3 months ago - Thursday 8/17/17 - 8:49:56 PM EST (GMT-5)
... V2- - which order should they go in?



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