Well, I found a great blog. I was wondering if there was something out there that just...in an organized way...hit upon some of the stuff that's been brought up since I came out on here...explaining it all thoroughly and better than I'm able to with my crappy ass english.
I might link to that in the future, specific topics if they come up. A lot of the stuff there is stuff that's been brought up here or things people have been confused about.
but I know it's all a little too TLDR for some people on here.
So, I also want to say that...
There are some different interpretations going on by people on this site.
A set (mostly people who would harass me whether I'm talking about this or not) think I'm making it up for attention.
Another set of people perhaps don't believe I'm making it up but, for whatever reason, don't believe IN my identity OR even think this is something brought on by all the trauma and difficult things I've experienced this year.
Again, I'll say that...
I have known this for a very long time. For me, it has been known since childhood...though it did not become a strong sense and a problem until around the time puberty started.
As for transition, I didn't even know that was possible until well into my teens. It wasn't until I was 18 that I actually considered it.
And, of course, had to tell myself, "no way, it's impossible for me"
But, you see, I'm 25 now and I'm realizing how much...not asserting my identity....has negatively affected me. I limited myself, I turned myself into a caricature of ideal femininity in hopes that it would erase everything and, in the process, destroyed myself and made everything worse.
Now I'm socially isolated but feel incredibly uncomfortable about going out in the world and I have absolutely no idea what to do about my whole entire life.
I still feel that transition is an impossible thing for me.
However, I've decided, wherever I CAN - I need to assert my identity...for my own sanity.
And this is helping. I get a lot of sh*t here for it, perhaps, but I also get support from other people...and I also might be able to educate a few others. And I CAN TALK ABOUT IT. Finally.
I am a bit worried that the more I talk, the more I'll get those "attention" accusations. But I'm also dealing with the issue of still having people go "woman" or "giirrl" at me. I assume some of these people just don't know or they've forgotten. I don't like to correct people in the moment because to me it feels like a party pooper thing to do...but I think it's why I have to keep talking in my journals about this. Again, I'm not talking about pronouns here...though of course "she" doesn't make me happy.
But when we're all having a funny YT discussion about whatever...and then out of nowhere I get some "giiiirl" or "womaan" ...it takes the smile right off my face. Instant frown. It just doesn't seem necessary.
You know, I was thinking to myself, "it bothers me so much on YT...but WHY"
and I realized in real life people don't go "giiiiirl" or "womaaaaaan" at me...like....ever. I mean, obviously, they see me as a girl but they just don't throw those words in my face all the time. For whatever reason, I only encounter that here.
So, this is way too long but one more thing.
I also think if I talk about this a lot that people will assume it's the only thing on my mind. I mean, recently, deciding what to do about it has indeed been a huge topic in my mind. I mean, this involves my whole life...but I also don't want people to think I want everything to center around it...
and I've been saying "i'm trans, i'm trans" a lot.
and I don't think i've ever specifically said "i'm a man" out loud on here - even though that sentence more accurately describes how I identify. It's like...I don't want to alienate people so it's like I want to describe myself in front of them as a way that would make THEM more comfortable - and that's sad. It's like...I know people would be way more comfortable with me saying "i'm trans" than "i'm a man" because - the majority of them don't believe the second statement - but some could believe the first one.
I feel embarrassed about asserting my identity because of how it makes other people assume I'm crazy, lying, wrong, etc
even though...I want to.
Also, you know, I don't want to develop some TOTAL "woe is me, woe woe i am such a victim" thing. Honestly, I hate the idea of being thought of as a mere victim blah blah. I just think...uh...my situation isn't ideal, of course, and I have had a rough year. There's a lot of negativity here but I guess that's only natural.
Maybe sometime I'll make a positive, lighthearted journal about this. maybe even a CONCISE ONE. but maybe that'd make everyone explode.
Also, sorry - one more unhappy thing - I just really wanted to post this:
DONE HOLY...CRAP...THIS IS LONG AS HELL