So a midget, two minorities, a valley girl, a senior, a weightlifter, an existentialist and a hipster enter a diner. Now it may sound like a setup to a terrible joke, but it is not. It is the Dead Men's Club, spelling done by the hipster, Roy Donna, in an attempt to be hip. It could be argued that he said this just to cover his lack of basic spelling skills, but that is beside the point. These eight people are assassins.

The group was founded by Lem Kimbel, the existentialist. You see, he had the idea to bring together the top assassins and split their profits. Over the past 6 years, they've made quite a bit of money together. The first person he brought into the club was his best friend since middle school, Mr. Donna himself. Roy named the club, and gave the next suggestion for the club, his idol Hubert Shootyoface. An 89 year old man who's last name is actually Dolly (god help you if you bring it up), he's racked up the most kills in the club at about 1400, mostly blacks as he likes to say.

Speaking of blacks, the next man was Isaac Negrason, who rocks a goatee and fine woolly hair. He's very quiet, and is coming around the corner of 40. Out of the group, he seems to enjoy killing the least, which is why he prefers sniping, as it is much less personal. The group also tends to not say his last name, lest they mess it up.

After the black man, came Irvin White, a Chinese man. He is very tall, one inch shorter than Isaac's 6'6 frame, and his only Chinese attributes are his slightly slanted eyes and ability to play ping-pong like no other. He's cocky but still well liked, cause he makes the most scrumptious eggrolls. He uses stealth to kill, so he says, but his ninja skills consist of hiding behind a couch and jumping up and spraying bullets.

They then next reluctantly brought in Macho Mikey Mindels, who legally had his name changed to Macho. He's rather short, but makes up for it with his huge arms and 8-pack. He rarely uses weapons for a kill, cause, and I quote, "My real guns are RIGHT HERE, OH YEAH!". Whilst saying this, he'd flex his arms and his conveniently too tight shirt would rip.

Followed by muscles, the club then took in Sarah Ashley, a very girly-girl who talks with a valley girl accent, and she is highly annoying and is disliked by everyone. She is still able to get the job done, though, by using hidden weapons such as lipstick and nail polish.

Then, their is Todd Laher, a very short man, at 5'1, he's very odd. He's quiet, and doesn't know anyone's names. He dresses up as a baby and hides in a stroller to kill. It's unknown how or why he's in the group. He's weird.

They all sit in a booth at the local Denny's, for the annual Sunday brunch meeting. "Everybody, before discussions begin, I....I have some very somber news." began Lem. He hesitated, and ran his hands through his slicked back black hair. His eyes scanned their faces, and his sunken tired eyes matched his mismanaged facial hair.

"Have the Jews taken over, Lem?" asked Hubert. Todd rolled his eyes, and Roy started doing very poor, offensive Jewish impersonations. "Damn it, Roy, quiet." interrupted Lem. "Guys, we've taken over the assassination business. All others have been put out of bushiness since we stopped taking applications, and, as you know, we have killed many, many people. And Hubert, before you say it, yes, many of your kills have been African Americans. The point is, a very rich group of men have decided to make our lives into a game. They have put a hit on our heads, and only we can collect the cash. To be more specific, only one of us can. You see, we have to kill each other, and the last one standing will get $1,000,000,000."

A very heavy silence fell on their heads. "Well, let's, like, you know, kill them and stuff." Ashley said. Lem explained that he had no idea where they could be. "Well we aren't killing each other, that's for sure." Isaac followed. "Well, massa, we sho' can't kill each udda, right boss?!" mocked Roy.

Isaac glared, and Roy explained that of course they had to kill each other. It was, after all, a lotta money. "Everybody, listen. Tonight, we're gonna go home, think about this, and if you do want to kill each other. meet at the warehouse on 13th."

Their brunch was shorter than usual of course, and their was very little discussion. Hubert talked about a new brand of diapers, which greatly interested Todd, and Macho explained that he could crush 10 boxes of them in one hand, which was debatable, but not too important at the time.

Lem and Roy left last. They shared an apartment, and both wondered how the day would go. They sat in silence for most of the ride home, and once they arrived at their flat, the two sat on the couch and sat in thought, which was very impressive considering Roy was...well, Roy.

"Whatever happened to Saturday night?"

"When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?"

"It don't seem the same since cosmic light..."

"Came into my life, I thought I was divine... "

They looked at each other, and both jumped up. "HOT PATOOTIE, BLESS MY SOUL, I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK'N'ROLL!" They both cried out in unison.

"Damn it, Roy, we can't kill each other."

Roy started to say something, but made a guttural sort of sound and brought out a gun. Lem leaped to the right, over the couch, and brought out his. Roy fired into the couch, seemingly having forgotten it was a futon and was just hitting the padding inside. Lem sprung up, eyes closed, and shot around Roy.

"For fu*ks sake, Roy!"

"I'm sorry, but c'mon, a billion dollars! A billion dollars! Dude!"

"What do we do now?"

"Mexican standoff."

"I'm out of bullets."

"So am I!"

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

Lem started to lower his gun, and then brought it up and twirled just as Roy fired into the wall.

Lem stood with his hands on his hips and looking disapprovingly at Roy. Roy shrugged, and once again brought up the fact that it was a billion dollars, dude.

They sat across from each other at the kitchen table, and pondered what in the hell they were going to do.

Two and a half blocks away, at Bill's Deli, Irvin and Isaac stood in line awkwardly together. They ordered, and Isaac asked Irvin if he would like to eat with him. Irvin eyed him suspiciously, and nodded.

So they sat. For about an hour and a half, in fact. "So he thinks I don't speak English, being Chinese and all. I decide to have some fun, 'cause he's just sitting on the ground, crying and peeing. My gun is full, but I tell him it's empty except for one bullet. In engrish, too. I also say 'Do you feer a rucky punk?'. Now Lem is standing in the corner, seeing how well I do things, trying to be all serious, and he just breaks. I mean he is just sobbing laughing. It's the only time I've ever seen him laugh. Or even smile."

Isaac was grinning broadly, and Bill told them they had about 5 minutes before closing. Isaac thanked him, and asked him how his sausage was. Everybody knew Bill was the local homosexual, and seeing him blush and blink and stutter was rather amusing.

They laughed, and looked at each other. They were getting to know each other, yet they could see in each others eyes what tomorrow held. No memory or consideration of today. "I've grown so tired of killing, Irvin. Even from afar, it's just so...ugh. I can't even say. Aside from Roy, I know we've all grown a little bit tired of it, but I don't think I can do it anymore. Tomorrow, it ends. If I die, I die, but if I live, and I get that money...I'm gonna start a new life. Sounds corny, sure, but I'm gonna go to Europe, and get a nice, fine white lady. Heh. Seriously, though, I'm gonna start a family."

Irvin looked away, pushed back from his chair, and put his hand inside his coat. It stayed their for several moments, but he withdrew it empty, said goodbye, and left.

Back at Lem's, the two friends still sat and stared. "Lem, I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go find a sh*tty motel, kay? But, hang on, I am going to kill you. It sounds like a dick move, I know, but I can solve a lot of my debts and dues with this. I can get a new car, too. A new gun. I can become the bloody Punisher. Hell, forget debts and dues, a billion dollars can buy the best arsenal."

Lem shook his head, and muttered something. "Speak up, Lem, can't hear you from your high horse." Lem looked up, and kept mum. Roy rolled his eyes, and rubbed his orange beard.

Just as he was leaving, Lem spoke. "I really love you man. I've never really felt...happiness. Of course I've never felt sadness, either, but you get the point. Roy...you failed. Just...just fyi."

Roy kept his back to him, and slammed the door shut.

Sun rose, and the warehouse and all of it's dullness was illuminated. A very large hummer pulled into the parking lot. Out stepped Mikey Mindels. He, like everyone else, had pondered staying home and letting the others kill themselves, but had decided he at least wanted to die awesomely, if at all. His large, Depression-era mustache is ruffled by the wind as he walks into the barren building.

The first thing that catches his eye is the blinding pink in front him. "Well, if it ain't 'I-got-a-tiny-penis-so-I-lift-as-many-th ings-as-possible' Mindels himself! Ell oh ell!" Sarah giggles following this statement on Mikey's penis, and he rips off his shirt. She falls backwards trying to catch her breath, but seeing his teeny nipples launches her into another fit. From his back pocket, he brings out a sledgehammer. "You're lucky I'm gonna use this to kill you, not my gigantic, mammoth, reagonomic penis to kill you!"

"Not yet, you big dummy. I was, like, thinking, we'd all start, at like, the same time. And stuff."

He watches her carefully, and places the large hammer back in his pants. From outside, the sound of a car pulling in wavers to their ears. Footsteps, and in walks Todd. For once, god bless him, he was ready to kill but not dressed as a child. Sure, he was wearing a Sesame Street shirt and hammer pants, but baby steps. Looking at the large, bald man and the girl applying lipstick while also loading her gun, he smirks and gives a curt nod.

Two men come in next, a china-man and a negro, as Hubert would say. Isaac and Irvin say nothing and go stand in the forming circle. Isaac closes his eyes and tries to form a plan of sorts, while Irvin stretches. In comes Roy next, looking uncharacteristically serious. He also shaved, and looks almost likable. Yet if you got face to face with him, you would see a twinkle of sorts in his eyes. One that would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

Hubert walks in next, and leaves. Several seconds later, he walks back escorted by Lem. "Let go of me, you bloody tea sipping faggot! I may be old, I may be senile, and I may be old, but I am not senile!". Hubert manages to wrench his arm free, and takes his place in the circle. He's not all here nowadays, but something is getting through to him. It's been a while since he felt fear, but lord help him, he felt it now.

Lem looks over at Mikey, and sees the man furiously twirling his 'stache. He's about to start this whole ordeal, when a very deep, bellowing voice speaks out. At first he looks over to Isaac, but he is still deep in thought. Lem looks two people over, and Todd is giving a speech. "I barely know any of you. I mean, we have the Brit, cheeto-beard, Uncle Tom, Jackie Chan, annoying bitch, the old fart, and egghead. I may seem...odd to you, but I can assure...well, okay, I am odd. I was breastfeed until I could drive. Drive far, far away." Here, he drifts off. They wait anxiously for him to continue, but he looks up expectantly.

"How the hell did you even get in the club? I mean, we didn't send you an invite."

"Good question, Lem."

Lem sighs, and again wonders how to start this. Sarah clears her throat, stands up straight, and curses. She was crying. Though not weeping, as Macho was doing now. Have you ever heard a seal being raped? Congrats, you've heard Mikey cry.

A throbbing starts in Lem's head, and he realizes the story each person has. Regrets, lovers, friends, it was all going to go out the window. He didn't even know their stories. Was Sarah really a valley-girl? Were Macho or Todd heavily in need of a friend? Despite their outward impressions, they had a lot of depth. Yet he'd only gotten to know the side of them that was behind the gun. Roy caught Lem's eyes, and they nodded. A buzz seemed to cut through the room, and they all knew.

I wish I could describe to you the 12 minutes of mind-blowing, memorizing, sickening violence and gore that followed, but their aren't words. Their was much gunfire, and a good amount of explosions. Yet, through all this mayhem, none died. Yet.

Lem stands in the middle of all this, and each person is running on fumes. The room smells of blood and gunpowder. It's also spinning, and Lem is drowning. It's hot, so god awfully hot. He sees figures dancing and swaying, and when the blades enter his back, he seems not to notice at first.

Then comes the pain. He lets out a scream, and with that scream comes blood. He spins as he falls and catches Isaac's grimace. Isaac drops the blades, and sighs heavily. He sinks to his knees, and grabs Lem's gun. A sound that is very foreign compared to the current craziness causes him to freeze. It's laughter. Lem's laughter.

"Their was....oh god, ow....their was no hit. I made it up, Isaac. I wanted us to all die together. I...erg, I figured". He broke off here, and hacked up more blood. "I figured we'd all kill each other, ya know? We'd caused so much..tragedy, it only seemed a fitting end for us. A group....group death.

Isaac gaped, and fell on his ass. For several moments, he sat like that. Rising to his feet, he tried to speak. It didn't make any sense. It felt like he was on a conveyor belt, and the scenery was passing him by. He fired several times into the air, and told the assassins what Lem told him.

They all stood their, looking on in disbelief, weapons raised. The silence was shattered by a war cry, as Hubert jumped off the balcony he was on and slammed a hatched into Todd's head, simultaneously breaking both his kneecaps. He saw Isaac yelling at him, but his hearing aid laid in pieces across the room.

Sarah swung down on a chain and held the trigger on her Uzi until it clicked blank and the bullet riddled Hubert stopped flopping. She let go and rolled right into Roy's knife, which now lay planted in her face.

Roy spun with the knife but Irvin punched, er, 'karate chopped' the knife away, and sprang for it, but Mikey swung a sledgehammer into Irvin's face, and Irvin lay crumpled with a broken face. Mikey starts to swing it at Roy but Roy presses a button and the blade shoots out into Mikey's throat.

Roy grabs a gun laying near his foot, and points it at Isaac, who dropped his gun. "Their is no, money, Roy. This needs to end. Please."

Roy laughed, and told him to kiss his Irish ass. Isaac closed his eyes in prayer, and a shot rang out. Yet he felt nothing, and when he opened his eyes, saw it was not him who had been shot. Roy looked down at Lem, who had grabbed Isaac's gun, and fell back against the wall. A mixture of emotions ran across his face, and four more shots rang out, reducing his face to just pain.

Isaac stared at Lem, who let go of the gun. "I meant....for us all to die, but if you're gonna live, that's fine." He took several shallow breaths, and continued. "The money actually does exist. I can see by your face you're surprised. Haha oh god. My pin number is 3355. I've collected it over the years. Just...start a family, please. Make sure you're happy. For both of us, hmm?"

Isaac said nothing, and walked over to the gun. Their were many things he had to say, to ask, but...well, live and let live. Or die. He fired the last shot he ever intended to fire, and left into the morning sun.