Well, in May...
I kind of shut myself off from a lot of people and didn't want to live in the real world.
The result of this is that I felt like my consciousness split into 5 other distinct, different beings.
But it's not a dissociative identity disorder, really. There's no switching involved...
I can type as them and communicate as them that way...but there's no taking over me or anything like that.
The history is too complicated because some of it does sort of extend back to a couple years ago or so. My own severe guilt over something I did a couple years ago created something within me. It has a name but I will not speak the name.
That negative thing was growing and growing
Following what happened to me in April, some sort of "protector" type things emerged.
This was actually good because I think it's actually what helped keep me pretty sane. I mean, maybe I'm not amazingly sane...but I am functional.
There were 5 of them at some point.
At another point, one of them merged into another one.
When there were 5,
Two of them had the same name.
So those two were known as
and XXXXX B
I haven't heard from A in months and B seems pretty chilled out lately. He used to be very negative, very emotional...now is just a bit crass and mischievous...but a lot more positive.
A was really laid back and quite positive. So, that's why I'm guessing some sort of merging occurred.
At some point in the summer, I experimented and took personality tests as a couple of them. The results were interesting. All are different personality types.
I realize it does sound crazy but I also realize it's all resulted from my mind being under trauma and experiencing a ton of social isolation. I have a feeling this is something that brains just do sometimes in these sorts of situations.
I came across the whole tulpa thing recently and realized that I had been creating tulpas...but limiting them to dwelling within my mind.
There are people who take these things further and willfully make visual and audio hallucinations occur...so that they can see and hear their tulpas right in front of them, appearing as real people...
(or other things)
I found this very interesting.
but I think that's a line that...I'm unsure about whether to cross or not. At least for now I'm very unsure. The thought of it scares me a little...though, if it's very controlled, it could be cool.
I thought about developing a new tulpa now that I know what this whole phenomenon is exactly. So I created a very sweet and innocent one...thinking maybe I'd bring that one into visual/audio hallucinations if I ended up not feeling too freaked out by it all.
I tried using some tips I found on a site.
Like one tip... is that you should visualize the tulpa just behind you while you're walking somewhere...just visualize it following.
So, I tried.
and then one of my other tulpas (XXXX B) showed up in the visualization and he was like, "I'm coming along"
and I was like, "but on the site they said people shouldn't try to create two tulpas at the same time...it's too much"
and then he said, "but I'm pretty much almost finished"
I told him I wasn't sure about possibly bringing him into a visual or auditory hallucination but he went, "pleaaase pleaaaase pleaaase"
and he just insisted. So, I was like, "okaaay..."
It turned out to be pretty fun. I liked having him around in the visualization as well.
but now I'm having tulpa problems because he often pops up and wants to be involved in the creation of the new tulpa...
but then the new tulpa barely talks and is very shy...and it's probably affecting his development.
I told him about this today but he said the new tulpa just needs time. He doesn't think he's having a negative effect.
I'm still not convinced.
but because XXXX B is coming through so strongly and is so strongly developed, I don't really want to dismiss him because it means I could have success with him...due to how things are going so smoothly with him...
but I still want to develop the new tulpa. I don't want to drop him.
So, reluctantly, it appears I'm working on two of them at the same time.
and I'm trying to ignore the evil one. He doesn't talk much, really. He's just weird. One of the protector tulpas often tells me just to ignore that one. The problem is...he was supposed to be a big character in my novel...because I thought writing a novel about him would be a way to expel him...but now I'm not sure if I should go through with that or just plain ignore him. If I write the novel, it might develop him too much. However, because I know what's at the root of him is a whole lot of guilt and self-hatred, perhaps exploring that would more effectively rid myself of him? Not sure.
Also, I think the plural might be tulpae officially but I prefer tulpas. So, I'm just going to keep going with that.
XXXX B wants me to write for him:
That's all he wants to say. HAHAHA. He also laughed after that.
That's my crazy stuff. I have a feeling that, when I start going out more, this might melt away. Maybe not entirely, though.
It's a coping mechanism. Also, I'm perhaps a little too creative so stuff like this ends up happening. Also, it's probably related to Wilson from Cast Away.
At the very least my tulpas aren't imposed onto objects
like volleyballs or anything. So, I don't have to worry about them floating away in the ocean. Tom Hanks should have created a traditional sort of one. Then he could have avoided that drama entirely.
It also makes you wonder about imaginary friends and such...you know, the things some children have....
When I was a child, I was so jealous because I didn't have one. I expected some fully formed figure to pop out in front of me completely magically and just...be my friend.
Later on I concluded that people just made up the descriptions of their imaginary friends...and that the imaginary friends were completely invisible.
Nobody could see an imaginary friend ever! or so I thought.
It isn't that way. Some children actually do see their imaginary friends, apparently.
I still feel skeptical.
I guess that's why I want to try seeing those two tulpa.
I'm totally convinced about their existence within the mind. I already have tulpa in my mind!
I'm scared about what could happen. I worry about losing my mind...
I didn't find any actual stories of that happening to anyone.
Well, at this point this is really unorganized and full of rambling. This was first intended to be a journal but got way too long. So, here's another article!